23 weeks

So, we did it!  Had our big ultrasound, have been meaning to post and chat about it for awhile, but life has gotten away from me and now I am over 23 weeks already, wow do pregnancies go fast after you've had a few!  It was awesome, aren't they always, ultrasounds, getting to peak into your womb for a little "hey there"....it's magical really.  

I pride myself on being honest, tell it like it is, even when that isn't all glitz and glam or perfectly perfect, so here's what it's like after you have a child with special needs and then go for an ultrasound for another pregnancy.  I have looked and wanted someone to express this, since I found out I was pregnant and I didn't want to feel like the only one, and I know I am not, and heck I know people are curious.  

At first, and really this entire pregnancy I have been at peace.  Knowing that all is right in this pregnancy.  That isn't to say that I know this child will be born free of struggles, I don't, there are a million things that can go wrong and there are some days I go there and think about all of it, but most days, I am so content in knowing we are prepared and strong enough to deal with anything that we face and there is great strength and resolve in knowing that.  

please don't be a thumb sucker like GRAHAM! ;)

So, you know how with your first baby you schedule your U/S like 2 weeks after you find out you are preggo, you can't wait.  You count the days, you know the date, everyone around you is sending you texts about the sex and whether you found out....it's amazing, we did that twice.  We found out with Graham and then with Audrey.  I knew in my heart with both shortly after I was pregnant what sex they were going to be and honestly, no joke, I NEVER thought anything was going to be wrong or "diagnosable" with any of my children.  So, I looked more for, can you see hair?  Are their lips big? Are you sure it's a GIRL!  Then the excitement of how to announce to family members, equally as fun, having everyone guess and then bam, "it's a ...."  SO FUN!

Our third time, we decided to be surprised, Jeremy had always wanted to wait and I felt I owed him that, one pregnancy, in case it was our last, that he could have what he wanted, we had a boy and girl and all the "supplies" needed, so really I had no valid argument.  But, wow, it was HARD to wait, I am a control freak, I like monogrammed diaper bags, names in wood letters tied with bows over cribs, baby books half completed prior to birth, I like to be prepared...just a little!  So, to wait, well, it was all I had in me and it's not like I only have one ultrasound, I have WEEKLY u/s beginning around 32 weeks due to gestational diabetes with all the babies.  So, to not find out, isn't easy, they ask you EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.  But, after about week 30, I was on board, it was fun, it was awesome not to know.  We would stay up late chatting about what would it feel like to have another boy or girl.  What would they look like, there was something special in the waiting, everyone having the same anticipation as us, it was fun.  I was glad we did.  Even though I KNEW it was a boy, 100 percent convinced, I even bought his engraved charm for my necklace, well because, I am obnoxious like that!

love babies feet

So, when all of that excitement was overshadowed by our 72 hour notice of the down syndrome, which you can read about here....http://dreamingbigx3.blogspot.com/2011/01/wowhere-it-goes.html, well it all changed, all of a sudden that need for another boy, well it was just plain dumb.  But, the good news of all of this, is I AM BACK, shallow as ever, hehehe, hoping and thinking that it is another boy and relishing in all the shallow, silly things that we did with all of the other ultrasounds we've had.  At first, when our tech was looking and measuring my heart was pounding, palpitating, waiting for the shoe to drop, the moment she would have a strange look on her face.  Waiting for a comment of needing to call the radiologist in, or talk to my doctor.  I don't know why.  Maybe because as much peace I have with my son and our life, which is all true, at the end of the day, we are changed.  Our naive lives in which you only thought of shallow things is now tarnished.  Are we alone?  No.  Surely there are many of people with these same concerns, who haven't even had our experience, but maybe their age, their history, their own unfounded anxiety's cause the palpitations, either way, they were there.  Did it ruin the experience.  No, but it changed it.  We had our U/S on a Friday and Monday I had my doctor's appt.  I figured there were no markers or indicators of issues, as I was STARING at my tech and new she couldn't be that good of an actress....I know I am a FREAK!  But, still, what did markers mean?  

I mean, Nolan, had three level 2 ultrasounds and over a dozen regular ones, NOT ONE MARKER.  So no markers again, nothing alarming, all is measuring great, perfect.  So, really is it nice not having any glaring issues? of course.  Do we feel blessed that health wise this baby appears perfect? absolutely.  But, in the back of my mind there is that tinge of, you never know.  You never do though.  I have so many dear friends with their own tragic stories of loss, struggle and heartache in regards to their children and their births and deaths.  The loss of a baby at birth full term.  A car accident causing a death of their only beautiful baby girl at 38 weeks.  Others that have chords around necks and breathtaking moments of panic, still others with months passing and no diagnosis, but delayed behaviors and questions for years without answers, even more than that, shocking diagnosis', repeated surgeries with uncertainty and fear.  These are just OUR friends, I can't imagine if I knew the whole world's heartache with children and the miracle that is their births and lives.  All of them, no matter the length, touch us, stay with us.  Imprinting their handprints on our hearts forever.   

I am trying to kiss my knee cap!!

 All I can say, is this time, I am doing what I have always wanted to do and saying screw conventional medicine.  I have found an amazing doctor thanks to a great friend, who is supportive of very little intervention, testing or messing with things!  So, that means, no more ultrasounds, no gestational diabetes testing, I mean it's the 4th time, I know how to manage it, it's never been an issue, so why bother getting that awful test?  And I am "hoping" to do it all natural this time, HA, that may not happen, so don't hold me to it!  But, either way, I can just sit back and enjoy this time, without the worry of some "what ifs" and "guesses" because in the end, that is all it ever is, an educated guess.

That is one good looking leg! :)

So, there you have it, a healthy, perfect baby, in my belly.  I have my energy back, loving this amazingly warm, summer weather and feeling blessed to be right where we are, ready to welcome a 4th baby into our home, knowing and preparing for anything that road may bring.  It's a beautiful, scary thing, parenthood, it's never easy, from start to finish....