Monday, January 31, 2011 it goes

A year ago right now, I was 6 weeks pregnant, do you know what I thought...I thought, this baby is straight from God, because we concieved him on Dec 24 and "tried" to NOT GET PREGNANT! My worst problems at that time were planning trips and now being preggo, I was "devestated" to go on all these trips we had planned and ALL summer being pregnant!!! It is hard, so hard, for me to even write that now...ohhh how silly my life used to be. How ridiculous my thoughts, fears and concerns. I used to think for hours, is this a boy??? This better be a boy, we have to have a boy, oh it is sooooo meant to be, our althetic boy, to fulfill all of OUR dreams. Don't get me wrong we have a boy and girl already, but listen, I was greedy...I wanted an althetic boy, I thought you cuold just dial up any child you wanted at the push of a desire and boom you got it...see I have an amazing 4 1/2 year old boy, Graham, who is super duper bright, challenging, creative and our first born. Then my princess came 15 months later, Audrey 3 1/2 and she is the sweetest, cutest bundle of love your heart could desire, everything I imagined her to be all of my life...but I wanted MORE....I wasn't done or satisfied, I wanted my althetic boy to fulfill the dreams I had of a rough and tumble, more thoughtless boy, if you will. How embarassing to admit this all....but necessary nonetheless. So...anyhoo...I was dreaming up my perfect, Christmas concieved baby and NOT ONCE, NEVER not even for a MOMENT did I consider anything months went on and I was CONVINCED it was in fact a boy and we went to our 20 week ultrasound and I posted on facebook, the TORTURE I endured, yep I used that word...ugh.....because I didn't find out the sex of the baby, HOW DID I DO THAT??? Can you imagine the agony....ugh what a joke! Anyway, that was how simple and spoiled my life used to get the do you think I at any point said, is the baby healthy??? Do you think my husband and I asked if anything was wrong??? Did we discuss it after anxiously waiting to hear from the doctor, the answer to all of those questions is a big fat NO. You know why? Because I have paid my dues in the department of difficult life, I have EARNED the right to have everything perfect from here on out...what was I thinking, better question, what was I NOT, we carried on, hours of what sex he was going to be...would he have Graham's thick hair or Audrey's thin hair, would he have big lips or not, would he be athletic, he moved 100 times more than ANY of the others, constantly moving and grooving, he was my Nolan. So, as cocky as I was in my past life, I ordered a charm for my mom necklace with Nolan on it...our boy name, I couldn't wait to be wearing it at the hospital when he was born to say, SEE I knew! How trivial and obnoxious really, but my old self didn't know better.

Then in hot July, I went in for my weekly ultrasound (gestational diabetes), I was 34 weeks along and NO signs of ANY problems at ALL, and they found a heart murmur, they said it was nothing, but to be sure, go do another level 2 ultrasound and have the perinatologist review it, so we did and guess what, it was gone and the "expert" said "your baby is perfect" no worries, WHEW was that scary for 24 hours, but now nothing, back to shallow crap....

Then, went in again at 36 weeks and they found some fluid in the baby's heart and brought me a box of tissue and said this isn't good, usually indicates a heart problem....I was devastated, alone and without support, as my husband was in a very important meeting at work. I went straight to the perinatologist and my hubby met me there, they said and I quote, "ohhhh this is nothing" the tech doesn't know what she is talking about, probably saw a shadow or something, it was tech error.." ANOTHER level 2 and 4 doctors reviewed my baby and NOTHING...all of them said baby is PERFECT, ALL OF THEM. We were relieved and then PISSED!!!!!! SO PISSED! Here we were wrecks and we found out it was my doctor's tech error, WTH?? I wanted to just call and BITCH but decided not worth it, baby would be out in a couple of weeks and I would NEVER talk to them again, forward a week later, I went in and had a new doc, since mine was gone for the week and I was sitting there....gown on...ALONE...she said to me, I need to talk to you.

I said, "Oh you didn't get the results form the perinatologist? It is nothing, your tech actually was the cause, but I didn't want to make a big stink." She said, "Well, I don't agree with them." Are you kidding me, you an OB that I have NEVER met, doesn't believe the perinatologists, all 4 of them that reviewed my son's results and now think something is wrong???? What, tell me, what do you have to tell me, I was getting more irritated and annoyed by the minute. She says, "we had a woman in her third trimester, fluid in the heart, perinatologists said it was nothing and her baby had down syndrome and open heart surgery at birth". world stopped, I immediately attacked her, this woman wasn't like me, I am only 33, I have nothing, not ONE marker, I have had a buzillion ultrasounds, you are WRONG!!!!!! I couldn't contain myself. I started shaking, crying and she kept saying to me, "what are you so afraid of, it is just down syndrome." WTH? Who says that, do you have a special needs kid, nope, so, go to hell.

She agreed to induce me, since I was a wreck, two days later on a Saturday. We told only a few people, what this ONE dr from this ONE clinic had seen and thought. They didn't believe it, they said, what are the odds, it is one baby, come on, you don't know her chart/history, nothing. I tried to believe them. I couldn't sleep, I was googling all night, about my perfect athletic boy and what was in his future.
I prayed NON STOP, begging for better news, in the morning I called those dang perinatologists, they said "the buck stops here, we are the best in the state, there is NOTHING wrong with your baby" YES that is the exact quote, 2 more dr's there reviewed it and agreed, NOTHING. I said I can't wait to find out, what can we do, they said they would do a FISH ammnio but ONLY because I couldn't wait give me results in 24 hours, they thought it was pointless and painful..they begged me not to, but you know what...I just wanted my labor back, that is what I kept thinking, I want to know my perfect baby is in there and go back to that dr and tell her to FUCK OFF. Ohhh I want to beg my oldself to get off of my high horse...but I can't. So, I did, got a needle stuck into my stomach for 45 secs and there, another night of no sleep. Graham and Audrey were spending the weekend up north with my dad and they were so excited, I spent the morning packing, folding clothes, and anticipating every second of the day.

I checked my phone, charged my phone, my hubby took off of work and we told no one. we didn't want to needlessly scare everyone else. I tied a pink balloon to our front porch pillar in honor of a little 7 year old girl that died tragically in our community per the request of friends of the family as her funeral was that day...I cried for them, I ached for them, my brother passed away when he was 8 suddenly and tragically. I thought I knew or at least could have an inkling of that pain....boy was I wrong...We were going to spend our last weekend together getting all the baby clothes washed and cleaning the house, tying up last ends before his arrival. yeah right.

So, we dropped off Graham and Audrey and I said to Jeremy, mmm I want Arby's, I was driving, and have NO idea why, never do. My phone rang, perfectly timed, 3 miles from my dad's house, Hello...this is Linda, how are you....just anxious to hear...."unfortunately it's not the news we expected." OMG my body goes numb at this very moment just thinking about it. I immediately pulled off of the highway and saw my husbands face fall...I said what is wrong, she said your baby has an extra 21st chromosome and has trisomy 21, down syndrome. I swallowed, numerous times, kept shaking my head, said, a polite good bye and looked over at my husband....I could barely bare to see his face and now that exact face is seered into my soul. It was the FIRST time he considered believing something was wrong. I was strong for us (usually the farthest thing from my job in this relationship) I told him, we can do this, we are going to be fine, he just kept staring silently and quiet tears ran down his face. I saw his dreams lift like shadows out of his body and with his mine also went wafting away. It was excruciating pain. If you have never been through a truly tragic experience involving your child, trust me, you don't know it. You don't even know your body, mind and spirit can be broken to that level. You have no clue that you can literally bleed without blood. Be wounded so deeply you are positive your body must be scarred in some way. But it isn't. So, here we sat. ALONE. With this knowledge. My bouncing baby, made on Christmas. Made just for us. I was supposed to be induced by the doc I was going to tell to fuck off the next day...oh God, the doctor, I have to talk to her, NOOOOO I can't say, you were right, I can't tell her, I despise her, why did she EVER tell us, we wouldn't have known. It would have been easier, I had to cling to blaming someone and she was my target. I will not admit what happened or re-live those next 48 hours. A few select saving angels in our life know. And it was the closest thing to hell for us. We were depleted, we drove up to our house and saw the flying pink balloon and I thought about that family again. I thought to myself as I untied it, would I have rather had a healthy child for 7 years and lost them or a down syndrome child for the rest of my life? It was a question I wasn't prepared to answer in that moment, and I let the balloon fly to the sky. By Sunday, 48 hours later, we were in recovery, still didn't have the baby, waiting to get induced now by a specialist, the perinatologists, oh yes, the ones that said my baby was perfect and the buck stopped there, yep...because not only did our baby have down syndrome he may need open heart surgery right after birth, so we had to be at a different hospital with all the bells and whistles. Even though they continued to say he was perfect.

Sunday morning, our kids were coming home later that afternoon, I would have to tell my dad who already had the tragedy of losing a child suddenly and tragically was now going to hear my news, I was devastated to tell him, to break his heart. To hear his sorrow. I wanted nothing more than to be strong FOR him. And so I was. For the most part. Jeremy and I got Starbucks and it was 75 and sunny, a gorgeous day and we drove, all over, like we used to when we were dating and carefree and dreamt about houses and places we wanted to live and a world we wanted to explore together. forever. It felt wonderful, in fact, it warms me to my core, I knew the moment we found out that NO ONE was stronger and more capable than my husband. He is the most amazing man and I was so lucky to have married him. We were more in love and closer than I ever imagined possible. We told close family and went to the perinatologist the next morning. She agreed to induce that afternoon. No apology in case you were wondering. And while we were getting our ultrasound, the tech said, "Oh I am so retarded, I can't figure this out.."yep, she did. We just stopped and looked at each other and all the times we have used that word, hundreds, maybe thousands, just in reference to anything. Now, holding such a totally different meaning and weight.

We told only a couple people we were having the baby, we wanted to be alone. I had the most ridiculous ideas about what my adorable baby would now look like and was so worried some freakish thing was going to come out of me, brutal to admit, but true nonetheless. I walked down the halls at a hospital I NEVER envisioned being at, United, and I couldn't stop crying at all the babies on the walls, the PERFECT babies. I couldn't stop crying at all the doors closed with new baby coo's and excited parents behind the walls, why not us???? Why didn't we get that, again? How many people I know with three kids, four kids, six kids, why us? Why don't we get perfect ones. I was shaking and rather hysterical, my nurse came in and was amazing. She touched my arm and said we don't have to do this now, and I said, I have to hold him. I have to breathe him and know I can love him. Do you believe that, I actually thought, I wouldn't. What a crazy biatch. I actually thought, I would see him and think, I feel nothing. Gross.

So, we proceeded, 4 hours after induction he was born, 917 pm, he came out....and yes, he was a HE. Jeremy got to say, 'it's a boy" such a minor pointless thing now, but still, it was a boy. The nicu looked him over and guess what? He was PERFECT. They weren't wrong. Our baby boy, was perfect indeed. He had of course the extra chromosome and down syndrome. But, he didn't have any heart problems, NOTHING, no machines needed. He was a miracle. He was strong, active and everything we had dreamed of. He smelled like heaven, snuggled and snorted and he was perfect. I was overcome with joy of loving my boy. And you know who found out we were going and was waiting to meet him, my daddy. My dad was outside the room, and waiting to come greet him and smooch him and it meant everything to me. Our hearts were so full of love and all of the fears vanished just as quickly as our old life as we knew it, did too.

There are numerous times that we have had since these, ups and downs, but anytime I stop and breathe, I realize how fully blessed we are. Nolan is our son. He is amazing, beautiful and surpassing all of our dreams already. Dream big Nolan, we are EVERY day!

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