Friday, June 23, 2017

unfair

Why do bad things happen when you try so hard to do good?  I have been wondering this a lot lately. When I google it at 3am, my brain spinning hoping for some solace.  I see a Christian site, Jewish Rabbis offering advice...but yet...it's not the answer I am searching for.  It seems beyond me.  Beyond religion, God or the universe.  Perhaps it isn't.  Perhaps my answers lie there and I simply don't want to search in that direction.  Perhaps.  Either way, I sit, mind spinning.  I pride myself in honesty.  Anyone who knows me knows that truth.  I am not perfect, not even close.  But, I am me.  I am what you see.  I am not a person you would meet and then find out I did something to really surprise you.  Because normally, I have already told the world my doing or undoing as it were.  I live out-loud.  I think my struggle as of late is that this appears to be a rarity.  It drives me crazy.  Like literally.  When people present themselves as something they aren't and for some reason, despite 99% of the world doing the same false pretense dance, they believe it.  They believe the bull shit that others show them.  I am figuring out lately, that it gives them peace.  It's cleaner.  In believing in another goodness rather than raw truth it is easier to walk away, to nod and smile, to pass them by.  If we all walked around with our hearts raw and open, how would we even walk.  We would be forced to do something.  React? Have empathy, anger, sadness, something...we couldn't focus all of our energy on ourselves.  My life is often focusing on anything but myself.  Problem, I understand.  Or is it? In this world of "self" discovery, should we actually be in "other" discovery.  Should our focus instead of feeding ourselves and our own beliefs, surrounding ourselves with like minded people, perhaps extend and push us to see the vulnerability in our enemy?  Perhaps.

I have always felt this way.  Not kindly, not empathetic, not saintly.  But, I have felt.  I feel and I like to feel.  I don't want to shy away from that, or deem that naive or idealistic.  Rather raw and true.  I want to see people, the real person in front of me.  The issue I am having is they don't want to.  Most people when faced with truly seeing themselves- don't want to.  I can't seem to grasp this concept.

The real issue I am having is this.  I am working so hard, always striving to seek compassion, love and truth.  Not searching out revenge or bull shit.  And I keep rising.  I am proud of this.  Not because I am gifted with a loving, sweet personality, but because this is a difficult, strong choice...day in and day out.  And that to me is something to be proud of.  That when life throws me curve balls I don't just duck, I catch it and throw it back, hoping to engage my opponent in a friendly game that is supportive for all.  Why then does shit keep coming back?  Oh trust me I have heard the life isn't fair crap too many times to count and repeated it to my kids.  I get that.  But does it have to be so entirely unfair?  Does it have to be punishing over and over again?

Anyway, I need to write more when my life is happy, because it is.  I am grateful for love with a warm-hearted, gentle man and my beautiful children who are in good health and amaze me daily.  Just need to know why life is full of so much bull shit? If you know, please let me know...


Friday, January 20, 2017

the end


Its raining and I sit here in my new apartment.  I know, an apartment? What? Well, as you know in life things aren't always as they seem.  Jeremy and I have been crumbling for 3 years now.  I am sure the patterns of abuse, verbal, emotional by both of us, started laying their roots many years before that.  However, now those roots are a full grown tree that seems to be sucking the oxygen out of everything around it.  I have no idea how we got here.  Actually I have a pretty good idea, quiet a few of them.  We both came from broken homes, where our hearts were shattered, thru divorce, parents that weren't present and loss.  Lots of people have numerous things like this happen to them, but for us, it was the normal in our lives more than the exception.  The pain from that past manifested in behaviors that both of us couldn't manage.  I would cry, whine, scream about pretty much anything and had unrealistic expectations.  He on the other hand would take his out with drinking, doing anything to escape his pain and ultimately when I took all of those things away due to my needs and requirements for him to be better- his anger would surface and almost all of it at me.

I was vulnerable to him and his love.  I wanted and needed it, so I took it, saw him as broken like me, empathized and thought of him as a young boy, I just couldn't except that this man in front of me, that  loved and adored me, that worked years to earn my love would do anything but love me back.  But he did.  He eventually tried so hard for over a decade to please me, meet any and all of my expectations, a pattern he began as a middle child.  He was the peace maker, the one that was more stable than the rest, not that that was saying much.  He was always trying to be a people pleaser when we met, say and do the right thing to avoid conflict and gain peace.  I didn't know that was hiding a dark, deep boy that wanted to be seen and heard and eventually when his own father disowned him decided he was done.  Done being the yes man.  Done being the man that did what everyone wanted and said what everyone needed.  I was shocked.  I wasn't used to it, didn't know what to think, was very bothered.  Couple that with his new career and my new undertaking of a stay-at-home mom; and it wasn't good.

He traveled, worked day in and day out, trying to win my approval, the only person he really ever devoted his life too.  He is not one to connect, be vulnerable, tell you a deep secret, but with me, he did.  Always.  We both knew that.  I needed to grow and not depend on him, as he was gone so much and I was struggling greatly with my new role and lack of ego filling opportunities.  I branched out, made amazing connections with strong, fun women, mom's.  Meanwhile, he was diving more into work.  We had beautiful children.  Once Nolan came we were stunned, but we did well, we worked thru down syndrome and seizures and everything else life threw our direction.  We have always been a force.  Strong, intelligent and charismatic as a couple.  Then EJ came.

This is when this post goes from truth to brutal honesty.  Some may judge this and I guess I don't blame you, how can I? I judge leaves on a tree!  But, really, having a second child with special needs, it just broke us to a level that now I see is irreparable.  I wish I could say we are a couple that withstood the 75% of couples that get divorced with children with special needs.  We are not.  I often wonder, I know it's not healthy, but true, would we be here if EJ weren't?  It hurts my heart physically to type that.  If you know me, you know my love for each of my children is endless and all consuming.  It's not something I can separate from me as a person.  But, still, I wonder.  Then I stop and think, does it matter? It won't change the reality.  The reality is we are broken and we aren't getting fixed.  Our hearts and the pain of this divorce and the impact on our family will never be solved.

As a type A problem solver and solution lover, I am devastated.  For the loss of my marriage, my family, my dreams, and for the simple, plain fact. I failed.  I couldn't fix this.  I tried my damnedest.  I have no regrets.  I needed to know that when I made this decision and moved forward with the divorce,  I needed to know that 3 years ago, I spoke with my best friend and my aunt about my marriage and that I wanted out.  My aunt said, please wait 3 years Grace, from this day, it was May 1, 2013.  I worked, I whined, I bitched, I moaned, I poured my soul and heart into my marriage and I poured venom and anger into it as well.  I wasn't perfect.  But I waited and tried.  That's all I could do.  With every step, every decision, we got further apart.  I could see it crumbling, begged for therapy with him, begged him to quit his job and be with us more, tried everything I knew how, and in the end, it didn't work.  We didn't work.  Fuck.  It sucks.  Nothing eloquent or amazing to say about that.  It's not all him.  It's not all me.  We both made monumental relationship errors.  We both think we are right 99% of the time.  It's not a recipe for a copacetic marriage.  We both are stubborn, opinionated, and strong.  We both haven't seen or shown the best in each other in years.

Lately I have been wrapping my brain around how this could possibly ever end up as a positive.  Or at least one positive thing to come out of it, will I be happy ever again?  Will the damage I cause my children forever haunt their lives and ruin any amount of love and energy I have put into them?

Every. Single. Person. we have told is stunned.  We hear often, "but you guys are the BEST couple!"  and many more compliments.  I mean, the woman who cleans my house literally cried, saying we were great together.  It was shocking to our families.  Honestly, it's shocking to us.  Apparently we are good actors?  Or we are that amazing, but just not quite amazing enough?  I am not sure.  I know that I needed to write all of this.  To tell the truth.  Not the nitty gritty details, but the fact that a couple can have money, beautiful children, supportive families and be crumbling and struggling every single day.  Life isn't a fairytale.  It's hard work, that sometimes doesn't end with a reward, a ribbon, a smile.  Sometimes it ends in tears and heartache.  That's where this is today.

I wrote this 8 months ago....I decided today was the day to publish it, I was going to make it prettier, put a little make up on it and then said, screw that, this is my life....a lot has changed in the last 8 months, but our divorce is final and we are moving on separately and I just need to rip this bandaid off.