Sunday, January 20, 2013

lance armstrong needs one of my kids

This whole Lance Armstrong debacle- I'll be honest, at first I wasn't all that interested, he always seemed to be a rather pompous ass and to find out he's a liar, well, I felt like it just added to the long list of athletes that seem to fit the bill of over-achieving, drug using losers.  It's awful really, that they literally ruin the sport, inflate stats that then encourage others beneath them to follow in their muddy; misshaped footsteps.  But, as with most things in my life when Oprah gets involved I get sucked in, the big O, means more then one thing in this house. (wink wink).  I couldn't wait to sit and watch her pick at his ego and hopefully find a shred of a man underneath it all, something I could hold onto and hope for and find forgiveness and humanity in.  You see judgmental I may be, but forgiving  And I am talking some unforgivable's, Michael Vick, Tiger Woods, I get it, I can move past their mistakes, I feel they paid their dues and are trying to be different.  So, I thought this interview would be the same, a man on the brink of despair in desperate need of some random strangers forgiveness.  I shouted to my husband the interview was starting and got a rather lack luster response that he had some work to finish up, I was rather surprised, but actually saved most of it to watch with him later.  Later came and I said...."ooooh are you ready to watch Lance Armstrong and Oprah?".  He looked at me as if I just asked him to watch a Real Housewives reunion.  My husband being a total sports fanatic and bordering on needing an intervention of the ESPN kind, was simply, done.  D.O.N.E.  I inquired further into his lack of caring about the topic and he simply said, "when people like that do such horrible things and destroy the sport they are involved in, the last thing I want to do is give them one ounce of attention ever again.".  Got it.

So, I waited till I had some free time after reading some random headlines of the interview and knowing some things that he had admitted and I watched.  I paused a few times, came back to it after some diaper changes and nose wipes.  And there I sat.  Longing for the humanity I so wanted it to capture.  When he used words like- "this is hell" and "I deserve a second chance"- yeah among others, he lost me.  I know he's actually been to hell, given a 50% chance of survival at 25 and lying in a hospital bed with his manhood on a surgical table.  How naive was I to think he could actually learn a LIFE lesson from that?  He hasn't.  He may have learned a chapter lesson.  A lesson in couple years of his life, but wow, lifelong, nope, nada.  He raced less than 3 years after he was battling cancer and he was doping then.  I mean really? That's what you learned, to be a cheat?  What the hell?  Why write a book? Why be inspiring? Because really in the end, the crux of it all is you didn't learn ANYTHING.  You have nothing to offer, besides being the best liar and how to profit from it both in ego and cash flow.  I think to myself over and over and over, wow you could really use one of my special kiddos in your life Lance.  You could really use a less than "perfect" human to teach you a thing or two about truth.  About the value in LIFE that has nothing to do with competition, winning, money or ego.  Your base, your foundation (pun intended) is off.  Way off.  It's crumbled from you, because of you.  You failed to learn from your lessons in life.  I am in no doubt shocked at this, mainly because sometimes our lessons- they come in soft whispers, warning to our ears and sometimes we are nearly run over by a mack truck, aka cancer, and still there lying on the pavement your lessons learned= zero.  Do you not understand that winning is something you have never accomplished?

I think what ultimately tipped me over the edge was when he said he "deserved" to race again.  Then went on to reference others punishments and how he got the "death" penalty by being banned from ANY competition EVER- inclusive of marathons.  Oprah tiptoed around by saying something along the lines of- can't you just compete in something local that isn't sanctioned; he poo-pooed this idea instantly- I mean- he's Lance Armstrong!  Yep- that in itself says it all, too good for small potatoes that don't involve major lime light and recognition.  Oh Lance.  My heart does go out to you, but not from sympathy to the disaster that YOU made out of your life and those around you, but because you must be a very lost, sad soul to find and learn so little about life at this stage.  You are right about one thing, you don't DESERVE a "death sentence", you EARNED it. 

Tuesday, January 1, 2013


"Bittersweet", that word pretty much sums it all up about our 2012.  A year ago I was writing a post about a very tough 2011 where we struggled with seizures and yet our baby came back to life with the help of modern medicine. We were thrilled and shocked to be expecting a new baby and with that came new hope.  I am not going to say it's easy sitting in this seat a year later and the results of 2012.  I can't say it did what I was hoping it would.  I can't say our dreams were fulfilled, when many in fact were shattered.  Yet as I reflect and find what really strikes me, is the existence of two very polarizing forces, between loss and gain; sweet and bitter.  2012 was a year that began filled with hope and focused on triumph and strength.  There were amazing memories, including the trip to Florida with the kiddos and the birth of a sweet baby boy.  There were heart stopping moments of struggle and pain, the news of yet another genetic diagnosis and the loss of a dear friend.  But, with those struggles, with that pain, rose friendships that wouldn't have been, connections that are forever bound and sealed.  Life is like that, full of transitions, periods that we reflect on and our heart hurts, feels heavy and begs to be carried; and with the help of love from others, it flies and floats again. 

I have learned so much in 2012 that words seem too minimal to encompass the scope of growth.  I have lived by the motto, "you may not be able to make it better, but you can make it worse."  As morbid and downright depressing that may seem, to someone in a time of struggle, it makes crystal clear sense.  I tell myself that daily and sometimes 10 times a day, others pass without the weight of our reality and happiness carries it through.

The truth is, it's hard to write this, words aren't flowing because after Christmas, I find myself in a funk, a place of "what's next?".  I like the chaos and busy of the holidays, so when it is over, I am left reeling and looking for well...more.  It also marks the last day that I had "imagined" with our new baby.  You see, I was so worried to even dream about a typical child when I was pregnant that I really limited my daydreams to this Christmas, I saw him on the first day of school and tucking him away in a sling, I pictured him dressed up for Halloween.  I designed and envisioned our Christmas cards with him being kissed on by his big bros and sis.  And last but not least, I pictured him "sitting up" with a Santa hat on Christmas day.  As we know that wasn't the reality, those images came to fruition in some form or another, but life isn't known to deliver our dreams impeccably.  It has a way of carving out it's own path amidst your dreams and through it you discover meaning and grow; hopefully.  At any rate, it was my final image, and for that I am relieved.  Tired of mourning the loss that I had pictured and now moving forward to celebrate the life we were given.  

So good bye 2012, you taught me love, forgiveness, strength, commitment, and most importantly, perseverance.  I have no images, no dreams, no crazy expectations for 2013, perhaps that is sad in some regards it is, but instead, I hope for nothing more than the strength and wisdom to enjoy every last moment; however they unfold.  I leave you with pics from Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, it was all beautiful and filled with love. 

oh the could santa resist!

He wanted tree house books more than anything else :)

Miss Audrey showed her horse "Ginger" every single gift she got

Mr. Nol was more excited about wrapping paper than the presents!

first of a billion sets of legos complete!

ummm yeah, stomach flu came Christmas morning and stayed all break, not fun

she loved her vet costume and said she was a vet in the old days riding her horse to people's houses; let's not tell her cell phones weren't around then! :)

oh the boys love each other so

what happens when you say he can't play with EJ anymore