family

Sometimes in life it's time for a new definition.  Like when you've styled your hair the same way since when you watched Growing Pains, it might be time for a change?  Other times you are jolted into a new way of thinking or stretching yourself to a point of view that may be painful to see, but needed.  I truly think these times of growth, however painful, are oh so necessary.  I've been trying to tell myself that for about a year now.  And, well, I am slowly learning.  Learning that life is ever changing.  Although there are moments I wish to freeze forever and days and events that you don't want to end.  There are also those moments that you wish life was a DVR and you could simply fast forward through them and get out on the other side.  I've been thinking a lot lately about forgiveness and what it all really means.

This takes me back to this past summer.  We were intending to go up north with the kids and our family for the Fourth of July.  We were excited, packing, doing laundry.  It seems these events just get better and better in the life of a parent, your kids really can teach you to appreciate every sparkler and gooey s'more finger a little more than you have before.  Well, our plans were sidetracked, to make a very long, complicated story brief, we found ourselves in Children's Hospital on the Epilepsy Unit with our 10 month old baby and the worst news we could have thought of, a "catastrophic" childhood epilepsy, that is difficult to treat and has very, very poor outcomes.  We were devastated, our world shaken.  We asked that family bring our other two kids up north without us and have a happy holiday, we wanted that so badly for them.  After a couple of days and discussions of the severity of the medications, we decided we really needed to go up north as well, to eek out the least bit of celebration and happiness when our hearts were very heavy and our outlook bleak.  We needed our other children.  Our family.  It was a decision that changed the definition of family, I am afraid forever.  I don't want to hash out details, or point fingers, or have a sob story.  But, my heart is heavy thinking of it.  And honestly, I am at the stage of just trying to figure out how to now move past it all...

I guess the point is that almost everyone in our life was amazing during that time.  They provided us with love, support, meals, phone calls, cards, gifts, drinks, everything we needed, they were there.  The people in our life we needed.  Jeremy and I aren't people who are very good at accepting things from others.  We aren't "needy" so to speak.  I am so envious of someone who truly knows how to graciously accept the generosity of others, I am learning and Nolan has helped immensely.  But, it isn't easy, you find yourself squirming, tripping over your words, saying you are fine too many times, when obviously you aren't.  But, when you succumb and let the love that others are trying to share in, it's beautiful.  And it was, to see the support around us, friends from near and far sending their best and prayers for our boy and our family.  So, to have my immediate family fail on such a scale that is truly still incomprehensible to me, well, it's not an easy pill to swallow.  You try over in your head to say, what so many have said to me, "some people don't know how to react to tragedy."  And I am sure that is true.  I am sure it is difficult to be on the other side of this outside of our lens.  But, it was the first time, in a very, very long time, that I remember feeling so vulnerable, so "needy" of that love and support.  See, it wasn't one of these, "well, it sure would be nice if someone helped me out here" kind of moments.  It was one of those, peel me off of the floor, I can't stand anymore and hold it together for my kids and myself kind of moments.   You know the kind.  I used to think that not everyone has had those, and maybe you haven't.  But, unfortunately, I believe we all do.  We all at some point find ourselves helpless and devastated.   And for me, a person who prides myself on strength and resilience, it's a tougher position to deal with.  The short of it is, they failed, epically.  They lost sight of big picture and thinking outside themselves.  Does that make them bad people or good people who did a bad thing?  I've come a long way since July, my boy surpassing all expectations, surviving the horrific treatments and smiling and laughing has sure helped heal my wounded heart.  But, my heart still hurts, wounded.  I am not sure how that heals.  I like to have a plan, a picture of what is "needed" to be done, what will make it better, and I don't have that.  I have zero idea to be honest.  I just know that personally I need to stop focusing on others and their behaviors.  I wrote about that here...

But it's tough.  Somedays I want to just pretend it's all a bad dream and move on, can't take the conflict in the air.  The unspoken words that hang heavy at any and all events.  Other times at 2 AM, I want to explode and just shout out, "what were you thinking?!" Neither are helpful I am sure of that.  I need to forgive.  My question lately, is how do we do that when there is no conversation?  When there is no closure?  I love this quote from Buddha.... "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."  I think that's so true.  So, don't get me wrong, it's not something I do day in and day out.  But, what's worse then something that plagues you in the dark of the night, when all else is still?  That's the thing about hurt, disappointment, expectations, it's you that has to deal with them, you that has to figure out what is really worth it.  So, in these moments, I stop myself and focus on my blessings.  It's easy really, I have so many.  I think about all the people who did step up and help us during that time and throughout my life.  I have two aunts on each side of my family that I call dear friends.  I mean how cool is that?  My mother-in-law is seriously saintly...no for real, going to be sainted...ok but she should be!  We have so many amazing friends, one of mine sent me mixed CD's from across the world, just some cool music, awesome.  My bestie, she listens to me, hugs me, held and soothed my sick baby for hours, she's like a sister.  We say we were separated at birth because our craziness has to be genetic somehow.  But, how cool to have a friend that loves you and knows you like that, good, bad, and oh so ugly.  


So, I am working on this whole forgive and forget.  Finding peace within, but in the mean time, I have some awesome people I do call family.  And I have discovered a new truth, a new definition, I truly believe that family is what you make it, with those around you, building traditions and memories with the people who truly know you and love you as you are, we aren't always born into that, but we can always find it, if you look...