baby baby baby ohhhh

Oh the feeling of babies is in the air...memories of our babies growing too fast....love looking at pics, remembering squeezing those chunky, little legs and arms....my princess at 9 months....

Hurts my heart how fast it all goes...too fast.  So, how did we end up in the predicament of getting preggo AGAIN!  Honestly, we aren't really sure!  I mean hello we are aware at this point how it happens, but we honestly thought we took appropriate precautions, one of which my husband would say the birth control that is just having three children under 5, isn't that enough in itself?  Add that to another and we had zero intention of having another right now.  I say right now, because I didn't feel done even weeks before giving birth to Nolan.  At first, I wanted a re-do, just to rewind my whole life and be back to the naive life I once had where all babies come out perfect and your worst problem was when you would sleep again.  So, I didn't know how long it would take or if ever I would feel like I was wanting another for the "right" reasons.  Well, it happened.  I did know.  This past summer I felt like OK, I do want more and it has nothing to do with wanting to replace or re-do Nolan's experience.  I needed that.  I did want to plan it though and just soak up every moment of what may be my last pregnancy.  I wanted to plan for a spring birth and have Nolan walking and Graham and Audrey in school, that was the PLAN!!! HA!  Well, such as most things in our life my grand plans go to crap and we are left navigating some crazy path with a different design.  At first it's thrilling, then terrifying, then thrilling, then nerve wrecking, you get the picture.  A little roller coaster.  With age though, I find peace.  Peace in the unknown, the things at power that are bigger than us and free us from worrying.  It does no good anyway, right?  So, we had Graham and Audrey 15 months apart and listen, I still remember how difficult that was, waking with one baby teething, the other nursing, carrying two babies everywhere, feeling like if ANYONE touched me I may burst after a day of a baby constantly on me....it all seemed like such a whirlwind and then bam it was over and I had two toddlers who adored each other and loved to play together and it was the best!  I would have for sure done it again that quickly with Nolan had he not had Down Syndrome and other challenges that made it more difficult to imagine them that close, but guess what, they will be less than two years apart and with his development where it is currently it will most likely be like them being about 1 year apart!  

It's cool, isn't it? When life happens.  It just shoves you to a place of this is it.  You may not have planned this, but it's your life.  And honestly Jeremy and I when we aren't talking about giving up our lives for the next two years, all of the sleep, travel and going out, we are missing out on, :), we are talking about how perfect it really will be for our family and that neither of us is to "blame" per se.  It's all meant to be.  And there is no other way I'd like to have it.  Now, another summer birthday, I could have done without!  July 14, 2012, is our due date and with a May 13 and August 23 and 30, we are on summer birthday overload over here!  But, there are worst things and bigger problems, right?  

I wanted to talk a little about a lot of questions I know people may be wondering or have asked us already and just address it head on, kind of how I function in life.  When Nolan was about 6 months old I was convinced if I was pregnant again, I would do testing, I would want to know...have to know.  To prepare myself.  I posted earlier in the Choices blog about my feelings about testing, so most of you know where I stand.  And does that change when you have a child with Down Syndrome....well for me it hasn't.  It has re-enforced my belief that all things happen for a reason and that you are in charge ultimately for writing and telling your story.  I can't describe to you the peace I am at with this pregnancy.  Not that the baby is perfect or that it has to be "this time".  Nothing like that.  Peace that I know we will love this child and embrace him, (I'm convinced it's a boy!) But also that we can handle anything life throws at us.  That we are strong enough, brave enough and we will in the end be ok with any outcome.  It's not to say I am not wishing and hoping and expecting all to be OK, I am.  I have no reason not to.  But, there is a fear, a knowledge that we now have that things happen.  Life throws you curve balls.  So, no testing, none.  And no finding out the sex again this time, we want to be surprised!

I was watching Grey's Anatomy last night, and it was about "sudden impact" how you don't know the moment your life may change forever.  I think it's almost laughable now to say that down syndrome was that for us, seems like such a minor problem.  When you see news stories such as this....

Support Pouring Out For Paralyzed Hockey Player « CBS Minnesota

Makes you want to do this and never let them play anything or go anywhere again....

Or the story of a young police officer killed and he has three small children, just a kiss goodbye one morning and then bam, life changed...

I mean how do you compare this face...to those real tragedy's of life?

It's all perspective really.  Realizing that of course it was a challenge this journey to acceptance and I am sure there will be days in the future that it is still a struggle.  But, in the end, we are so blessed and so excited for our new chapter as a family of SIX!