ohhh that's so nice....

Ok..hang on it's a venting day around here...the thing about staying at home with kids, when you don't work outside the home.  I remember leaving my career and yes, I went to college for 6 years, so it qualifies as that, it was hard to leave.  Hard to imagine no identity, no tax forms, no pay stubs.  I checked my voicemail for at least 2 weeks after, I felt so empty!  And really I felt so unimportant.  Shortly after, I found out I was pregnant again, and soon enough I had 2 babies in 15 months and a husband that traveled a lot.  Gone were my days of high heels and pretty nails.  I had to say hello to the days of screaming, breast feeding, pooping, more screaming and repeat.  I can remember clear as day tip toeing out of the room of my new boss- a baby boy that screamed a lot, that wanted to be held or touched all.day.long.  It was exhausting, mind numbing, I felt stripped of every ounce of my ego that previously existed.  I questioned whether this was for me.  It surprised a lot of people that controlling, type A me- would choose to leave my career behind.  As a couple Jeremy and I have waited for dreams that we could have made come true much sooner had I worked, but still it was a choice I made in college.  That I would RAISE my children.  Not see them a few hours a day, but know them, hold them, be with them and I would have lived in an apartment to do that.  And yes that means that I tell my husband he isn't raising our kids, that's on me.  He of course contributes, helps, disciplines, plays, loves them to death, but  I don't think a couple hours a day do that- my opinion.  I was blessed enough to have comfortable surroundings and wonderful luxuries that a lot of stay at home mom's don't.  But, still I gave up something I worked many years to do, at a time that I loved my job and missed it terribly.  I pictured strolling along Grand Avenue looking in boutique windows while my perfect baby napped peacefully in his clean and beautiful stroller.  I hadn't pictured a raging, cheerio throwing maniac...with a sweet baby girl to boot.  It was a tough couple of years, managing the choas and my new roll as "just a mom".  I remember feeling at first that it was so important people knew that I had a career before I decided to stay at home, that I chose this life.  I wanted to live a life for people, our family, not for things and really a career is just that, it helps you obtain 'stuff" and I couldn't justify working.  Still, I had to get over my own ego and it's need to feel important and intelligent and the rush of deadlines and court dates...I screened people for commitments before I left and it was an intense, crazy job;  suited me well.  I felt accomplished and being a mom, well, I felt lost.  I couldn't seem to keep lines in the carpet like I imagnined.  I couldn't get a perfect dinner on the table for my husband when he got home, I didn't have ANY time to watch TV like I imagined.  The moms I met all seemed as frazzled, exhausted and over worked as me? So where was this imaginary land that 'stay at home' mom's get billed as living?  I needed to find it soon!

Most importnantly I discovered early on that I would need to do a few things to survive this gig.  Many working mom friends of mine have said, "I couldn't do it, I just couldn't."  I know what they mean, I felt that way for a long time, and then I decided, it wasn't that I 'couldn't' it was that I had to learn to do it differently to fit my very social personality.  I needed to feel needed.  So, I volunteered, I made dinnners for moms that needed them, I organized play groups and playdates nearly every day, I joined groups, I started running, I started cooking more, I pushed myself.  As with any career, it is what you make it.  For me, I knew that I had to make it something excitiing, challenging, and fun.  And so I did.  It isn't all the time, in fact the majority of time, I am overworked and puking children in the night aren't easier when you get up and STILL have to deal with them all day and can't leave them with a nanny or "take a day off" and your other kids are at day care.  We don't get vacation days or sick days.  There is no one to call in and ask to take on our roll, because NO ONE at least around here, knows what goes on and needs to get done.  My point isn't to bash working moms, its to say, stop with the "I am a mom AND I WORK."  You are a mom and you get to leave and have your ego fed and pee alone and have lunch with friends, stop for milk, drive in traffic ALONE, call in sick, make appointments without children attached to you and a list of other luxuries that stay at home moms do not have. 

I just am so tired of people coming up to me in a store and saying, "oh wow, how many kids do you have...and when I say 4 they follow it up with...oh well you must stay home, that's sooo nice."  NO it isn't.  It is a shitload of work and takes pure dedication if you are going to do it well and be productive and not yell all day, it is more work and more work and more work.  And no one is telling you thank you, or giving you a raise, or an award, there are no accolades, only deadlines and screaming bosses.  And others look at you like you have a cakewalk for a life, and you either lack motivation or intelligence and that's why you stay at home.  What happened to admiring a mom for being a mom, a good solid mom, that is there for her babies, that sacrificed her own life and ego to raise them in a loving home and it was her choice.  Disclaimer: Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions.... people with 1-2 kids who are in school...scratch that they did  HARD time to EARN this time now, so don't judge those mamas either. 

surprise!

Ok, so I have slacked, I mean really slacked on my blogging abilities, so many good intentions and ideas swirling in my head, but yet, nada, nothing, just ya know...raising 4 kids!  Well, and a few other things.

I threw and hosted a party for my dad's 60th, my aunts 50th and uncles 70th last night, ummmm yeah, 70 people later, it was quite the party, as in FUN and full of SURPRISE!!!!!  I was like a kid on Christmas Eve, I would compare the excitement level I had to waiting to go into labor and the night before I got married, yep I was THAT excited.  you see, my dad is a giver.  Rarely can you buy the man ANYTHING, no I mean, a McDonald's hamburger..nada...or do anything for him, so, I wanted to do this and do it right.  When I heard that my aunt and uncle had their respective decade birthday's within weeks of my dad's I thought let's go for it!  The whole family is already gathered and I KNEW it would give my dad great comfort to know the party wasn't ALL about him....he's like that, a humble guy.  So, I knew it would be perfect...if only I could surprise him, that was going to take some work.  We had some family members flying in, others driving hours, I mean how was no one going to spill the beans...70 people there is a lot of potential...So the day before the party, I concocted an academy award winning story and performance to lure him to the venue without any idea...it's long, complicated and totally perfect...ummm yes, I don't think it's good that I am proud of my lying...but still, it was good...I hung up the phone on Friday giddy, knowing I pulled one over on him and he had NO idea.

So, my aunt and uncle arrived minutes apart 15 minutes prior to my dad, a surprise was said for each and
they both were equally surprised as they thought they were coming to my dad's and not their party too...whew, it worked...then it was time.

I couldn't sit still, staring at the door, peering through the glass, waiting, waiting, waiting...then I spotted him, a look rushed over his face like, 'something is about to happen'...then bam, door opened, everyone their cheering, people from his past, clients, employees, friends, family, for him.
 All for him. Far and near. I asked everyone to share a tidbit of what they loved or remembered about my dad and I placed old photos of him growing up with their quotes in a book.  I have had tears many times over paging through the amazing memories and love that people shared about my dad.  I couldn't wait to show him, to stand up and say, we ALL love you dad.  The guy that plans and pays for everything, for everyone, it's your night...to enjoy.  Well, his face was more like, "I think I am going to vomit."  Until I explained to him that his brother and sister were being honored as well, had their own cakes, their own books, their friends too, then, his shoulders relaxed and he took it in....well as much as a giver can.  It was glorious.  Fun had by all, everything went flawlessly...well minus the salmon tray that didn't make it out there until the other food was gone??? WTH?  (sorry side tangent...).  Here are some pics to enjoy...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

how everyone felt after the evening was over, LOL...I like pictures, ok?!



That's the thing about giving, it's fun, fulfilling, exhilarating, when you are a giver.  But, receiving, that is an art.  To allow those around you to sometimes be the giver, fill you up, help you out, its not easy for my dad or me!  But, I am learning, slowly, how to just give a hug and say thanks, thank you so much.  Knowing relationships are built with a give and take, equally.  So, sorry about not giving to this blog much lately, it's been going elsewhere, but I promise to be back with Christmas fun, the elf is back...:)

finally

Oh how nice it is to sit down and write this.  Last week was insane, between 5 different appointments and little answers by Thursday I was down, way down.  I got a call from Children's in St. Paul and they said they could see EJ for a neurosurgery consult and an MRI on DECEMBER 18TH, I just about LOST IT.  I mean seriously.  Almost 2 months out without any answers, that was not gonna cut it, so I scrambled calling around to hospitals in the area, so grateful to live in a metropolitan area and have options.  I reached Gillette Children's Hospital...stating our situation and need to see someone immediately for a consult, they found me an appointment, for Monday the 5th, yes YESTERDAY.  No MRI but at least a consult.  We met with the neurosurgeon and she also agreed that an MRI is necessary to fully diagnosis what is going on, and suggested that this could be done efficiently using a "quick brain MRI" it doesn't require sedation and they could do it THAT DAY.  So, we went back at 3 and this amazing doc also squeezed us in to review the results in person right after the appointment.  I was so relieved and grateful.  The MRI was quick and easy, about 10 minutes total, a rather intimidating machine and quite scary holding his nukie in place with my arm stretched as far as I could reach to calm him while he screamed, the intensity and NOISE was insane!  But, he did great and we got the images we needed.  We anxiously awaited the results.  I was scared.  Mainly because not only were we determining if he had hydrocephalus we also were worried about any other brain abnormalities that may appear, since this can be common with "these kids" as our geneticist told us over and over and over it seemed the week prior.  (Not going back to "those people" again!)

I am scared to write this, as if the shoe is going to drop the minute I do, that's what all this bad news does to one's psyche after a period of time...but guess what?  It's awesome.  He has benign hydrocephalus, and what that basically means are the little follicles in your brain that absorb spinal fluid are immature in his causing it to collect but not cause any damage or pressure and as they mature they will begin to fully function with zero repercussions!!!!!!!!!!!  Can you even believe it???? FINALLY good news.  FINALLY we got to walk out of there with amazing news.  FINALLY.  I felt like I could breathe again.  It is such an immense pressure that you honestly don't even know you are harboring until it is lifted.  And there we looked at each other.  Quizzing her.  Asking her over and over and over, can this be true? Can it mean bad things later? How does she know FOR SURE?  She reassured us, educated us slowly on every ventricle, every part of his brain that is in tact and NORMAL.  NORMAL.  NORMAL.  WOW.  Normal, finally.  It's amazing to be grateful for something that we ALL take for granted every.single.day- isn't it?  But we are.  So grateful.  Right now, we get to breath again.  We had his spine looked over, his kidneys, heart, you name it, it's been evaluated.  That means no more surprises, right?  PLEASE tell me yes.  We should expect his gross motor to be delayed because of the size of his gourd compared to his tiny little body, it is more difficult for him to lift it, sit up, etc.  But, who cares?! HA! Perspective it's a beautiful thing.

I want to thank all of you for your love, prayers, listening ears, DELICIOUS meals, drinks poured, texts, emails, calls, hugs, from near and far.  I want to say they worked, but I know better.  I know there are too many of my friends elsewhere struggling to find their own answers and to say our prayers worked, well what does that mean about theirs?  It doesn't sit easy with me.  So I will say this.  Right now, we were fortunate, lucky, that no further complications at this point plague our boys brain or body and for that we are so thankful.  And it's not because we deserved it or earned it or worked harder, it's just luck.  I know too much now to say otherwise, but I will take some GOOD LUCK.  It doesn't mean we won't have other areas of difficult waters ahead, but we know that we can tread through them, charging forward and whatever the outcome, survive.  It means we look at any moment any of our children are all healthy and happy, and embrace every last second of it.  We had a stomach bug go through our house this last weekend and I just laugh because in years past, I would have dwelled on that, posted about it, bitched about it, and what silliness.  What a petty thing to care about it.  It refocuses your lens to see clearly all things important and worthy of fretting.  And I am thankful for those gifts as well.  Because right now our lens can go back to focusing on the mundane and silly and all the while relish in the very moment that we are given so perfectly today.

On this election day, we woke up and brought all 4 kids to vote.  To voice our opinions about how we think this country should function.  How lucky we all are to be Americans.  To live in this country and switch doctors if needed, get amazing care for our babies, provide a generous income to raise our family how we see fit.  We are all lucky today, regardless of your life circumstances I hope you too can see that.  I hope we can all remember that as election results pour in, we are united and proud.  Go vote.