hard reality

I wrote this October 2015. Never published it. Probably because I thought it was too negative. Well- the truth is never too much in my opinion. So here it is. 

I am in a deep mood, one of great contemplation and long term planning.  This mood usually leads to writing and alas here I am.  Jeremy got a promotion awhile ago, most people say, "great", "congrats", blah blah blah.  And inside I am screaming, "what?!" will this ever end.  After a long talk with my man this week, we determined it's not going to.  This ride he is on, this achievement and success, it's him, a part of him and removing him from it very difficult.  Don't get me wrong, we are blessed.  It is wonderful in all sorts of superficial ways.  What isn't is -I miss him.  Dearly.  Our family misses his jovial nature, his big hugs, sparkling smile, we miss him.  He used to travel 3-4 days a week when Graham was 2 and Audrey 1, it was brutal.  So hard to be alone all.day.long. and all.night.long.  I joined mommy groups and made connections in my reality and honestly we flourished in our new routine.  This recent reality isn't like that.  It's remding me what I lost.  A career.  An identity outside of being "mom".  And for well, the next 15 years it's on me.  My shoulders.  Jeremy listens and empathizes and says I am amazing and he is so lucky.  Everything you want to hear.  But, inside I am crumbling at the thought of this is my life.  Nothing outside of this.  I had so many aspirations.  So much drive and energy to accomplish things.  I think it struck me most when Graham saw a woman on the presidential debates and said, "women can't be president!"  And I said, "why?"  And he said, "Because they need to clean and take care of kids."  Wow.  Stunned.  I sat there thinking, that is how my kids know me, that is what they think of me, that is what they think of women.  Anyone who knows me knows that is the furthest thing from who I am.  I am so much more than that.  But, here I sat with my big eyed boy with all the truth serum of childhood in him and realized, that is what I am teaching him about women.  I know this all sounds obnoxiously priveledged and over dramatic and well, in some ways it is, but really life is interesting.  It seems we have visions no different than being a pro-baseball player when we are kids of what our lives will look like and how they actually come to fruition.  It's never really what we picture.  I get that.  I just didn't ever picture this either.