compare

You know how there are phrases that people say to you throughout your life and you keep hearing them over and over and over and they never sit well...well, to me, it's this: "stop comparing, you have to stop comparing."  I think that is the biggest load of bull shit ever.  Hear me out.  To be human, is to compare.  To understand your surroundings, judge your life, is to compare.  Think about it, how do you think you are fat or skinny?  You compare.  How do you judge if you are smart or dumb? You compare.  All of us compare our children to other children, DAILY, on charts when they are born for weight and height...on tests throughout their schooling, it's based on comparing all results and that is where they derive the top and bottom, by comparison....it's how we live.

So, to imagine having a child with special needs and NOT compare them, well that is impossible.  That word doesn't even do it justice.  It's all you do, when you see a child the same age, when you see a pregnant woman thinking that could be you, when you hear of someone complain of mundane problems, you compare, thinking what your life would be if it were that easy.  It doesn't matter, you compare and you get the other end, where you are with someone in much more dire straights and you breathe a sigh of relief, because you compared; and realized you didn't pick the short straw and it feels good.

How on earth do any of us, not compare?  I don't know.  I don't think it is remotely possible at least not for me.  I am trying to get to a place of acceptance.  To feel the pain, the heartache, the disappointment and realize it isn't going to change.  It isn't going to be any different, that isn't my life.  The moments when I see a mom walking into a store with 4 healthy, typical children, I can't help but compare, dream, wish that was my life for a moment...but it isn't.  It is never going to be my life.  But, there is also a woman walking into that same store, probably on the same day that will never hold her own child, either unable or lost them tragically, whatever the reason, you can compare, but when you do, you must include both ends of the spectrum.

My dad seriously the most wise person, who has his fair share of tragedy and lessons in loss, told me today, "it may not get better, but it certainly can get worse."  That may sound so depressing to the average person, but to me, it was EVERYTHING I needed to hear.  See, everyone keeps telling me how it's going to get better, it will be OK, everything will work out, and I just can't see it.  I just don't feel that way.  I mean come on, I told myself that 2 years ago when I gave birth to a child with Down Syndrome and then a year later he had epileptic seizures and was unable to even smile; a year after that, here I sit, with yet another blow and worse yet, knowing the pain in the path that faces me.  Knowing that it isn't EASY, it takes a LONG time to get better, and quite honestly, after three major blows in three years, I am thinking that it truly DOESN'T get better.  I don't think that negative, I think it's realistic and I am scared to be positive now.  Scared to hold my head up.  Scared to think it's gonna get better, it really is.  Underneath my pain, the light is there, dim, but there, and it does pull me back and say it does get better.  But, what I really needed to hear, what I really needed to stop and think about is, it could get worse.  Because it can.  I can make this situation a lot worse than it is right now.  I can give up and watch my marriage crumble, my children suffer from a mom that's sad and can't pull herself up, then there are just basic tragedies that occur and can strike at any time, cancer, car accidents, loss.  So, YES, it can get worse, that is for certain.  And the last thing I am going to do is let that happen and look back and wonder why I didn't do anything about it.  I am going to make sure that I did ALL that I could to make it better NOT worse.  That is ALL I can do, that is all I can focus on.  Making sure day in and day out, I am living to my fullest.  There will be moments of sadness, comparison and grief.  But, I will work my ass off on focusing my energies towards, happiness, gratitude, love and laughter.  It has to feel better to do that, for all of us.

I want nothing more in this world than our children's happiness and I want them to know that I did EVERYTHING I could, every single day to give that to them.  I am sure to fail, fall short and do it wrong; but I will try my very best.