rudolph

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Graham and Audrey are obsessed with playing Santa and Rudolph right now...yep I am aware that this all began on November 9th, but I mean, you can't blame em right?

Jeremy and I were having a family weekend with the kids, no going out, no entertaining, no big to do lists, just us. It's hard for an over planning, entertaining nut like myself. But, it was awesome. We listened to Christmas music until Jeremy's ears bled. We made crafts and thought of gifts for others, shopped Toys R Us and imagined what we wanted to get ourselves, Jeremy wants the Wii more than the kids I think! But, it's all in the anticipation isn't it? Life really boils down to that it seems. The moments that you plan, dream and work towards. Not really the moment itself...funny how that works. I love taking this time of year to appreciate all that we are grateful for, all that we are blessed with. It would be ideal if we could do this daily, because listen, Saturday was a LONG DAY. And resulted in us taking the kids to Boca Chica's (Mexican restaurant)and Jeremy having one too many Don Gueremo's (the best margaritas ever!) and requiring my driving skill on the way home, lol, listen he deserved it! :) But, still it was fun, being us. It felt great. All until Graham through his hissy fits and Audrey decided to jump ship and join him and well Nolan, what can I say, that kid is just plain amazing, so I don't complain about him, like EVER.

So much so that this morning, while I was feeding him, my voice got a little tense and said, "come on Nolan..." (after blowing raspberries of mangos all over me!) And Graham said, "mama are you serious?" I said, "Am I annoyed with Nolan, well yeah kinda right now!" Graham's faced looked at him all somber as if to say, "sorry buddy, your fun ride is over, join the club". But it isn't really true. Nolan is our love, our baby and well, he's just so dang sweet you can't really be upset with him. Last night he was just plain crabby, a very rare occurence, but happening more now. He seems to be finding his voice, like the rest of our kids. He too says, "HEY I don't like this!" Jeremy was leaving on a flight and looked at me sadly due to Nolan being crabby and not really calming down and I said, "it's fine babe, really." Because with Nolan it is. I had a baby that didn't cry or complain for almost a year. He just laid and snuggled and really didn't do much else, and let me tell you it gives you perspective, that a little opinion is good. It's crazy how you grow and realize not to sweat all the things you did when you were a new parent. How you look back on the years and laugh at all that you complained and worried about. I mean, geez, talk about perspective, it just isn't worth it. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not some mom that doesn't get all wrapped up and annoyed with the whining, demanding, slave labor I feel consumed by daily, it gets old. But with Nolan, I'll take it. It's different. I appreciate it. I value almost all moments I am in with him, so differently than those that I did and do with my others. Watching your child go through something as tragic as Nolan did this summer forms your brain and perspective in a whole new light. And with every tragedy comes a gift if you look for it, I have always believed that. Not easy, not painless, ever changing and there will be times that I am sure to cry and feel sad again over him having down syndrome and his delays, but for now, it's all good. I feel blessed.

Nolan is sitting, like really sitting for up to 5-10 minutes at a time, learning to manipulate objects in his hands while sitting, (if you have a kid in PT you know the accomplishment of this!) I remember them asking me if he switched objects from his right to left hand and back again, well guess who's doing it all now? What a champ.




And what's even better than the love you have for your kids and sharing that with your husband and the world around you? Watching them have and share it with each other. There is no greater joy than the sibling love that our kids share. To see Graham not run to me in the morning, but to Nolan, to smooch him, make him giggle like no one else. To have Audrey say to me, "I want to lay with Nolan, can I sleep with him in his crib?" They smother him with love. Truly, there isn't a time I have ever seen them upset with him, annoyed with him, nada. Now, is this going to change, of course!!!! He will chuck toys at their head soon enough, he will take the last cookie and earn the last treat, he will find his place of annoying behavior as well. But for now, he is just love to them and them to him. What fun is that?


What was I so worried about? I go on a baby center with moms with babies with down syndrome, used to go on more and not really that often now, but I saw a post on there this last week from a mom with a new little one month old baby and she was simply asking, "when does it get easier?". I remember such a short time ago feeling the ache of my heart when I thought about Nolan's future and our future as a family. I remember Jeremy and I talking about traveling the world when our kids went off to college and living in far off cities, like Rome and Bali, just to do it, or maybe a year in NYC? How awesome. We dreamt of that life, that in reality probably wouldn't have happened anyway. That we either financially or emotionally couldn't be away for that long or given in to due to health or who knows what. But we had a dream. I still have those dreams, they just had to change a little, they just had to add a little boy into them and help of others to accomplish. But really what is the notion of independence and freedom, from what? Isn't there always something like health, money, obligations holding us back from truly doing all that we dream to do? So, I don't blame Nolan or DS anymore, if we want to do those things, we can, that will be a choice we can still make. It just won't be exactly how I pictured it, so I add that to the list of marriage, motherhood, staying at home and every other damn thing I thought I had figured out! I've just realized that finding peace with life struggles, finding a place of calm is just a timely, patient process and one that doesn't have an ending. It's a constant flow from learning, stretching and growing to appreciating, loving and breathing. Tonight as we were driving home and the kids were looking up the dark sky for a red blinking light, known in our house as Rudolph, Graham said to me, "Wasn't Rudolph's dad mad that he had a red nose when he was born?" I smiled to myself and thought, wow, you are amazing Graham! We continued to talk about the story and how Rudolph's red nose that all the other reindeer made fun of ended up saving Christmas and helping Santa and it was perfect indeed...

Ok...well...I have a little 5 year old in reindeer pj's that can't sleep...it was fun using my brain for a little bit anyway, goodnight. :)