Sunday, April 21, 2013

free flowing

I have no theme or purpose for posting, instead just a random stream of thoughts that have been happening around the Robbins House.  First off we are trapped in a winter wonder land and at this point I am seriously thinking Christmas is next week and I am about to go chop down a damn tree and decorate it, I figure just go for the gusto- what else is one to do with 6 inches of snow in April??? Seriously- these are the years we talk about moving far far away!  

Life has been insanely busy, nothing new, in fact I am learning that is going to be normal for probably the remainder of my days, when we decided to have 4 kids, well, it was all down hill on the free time of life category. 

I had a weekend away with some girlfriends and honestly there is nothing better for the soul.  So many reasons, but really, the main one, that we are all connected in our crazy land.  We all just want love and acceptance and forgiveness for our mistakes.  I wish it were that easy, but for that weekend it was.  Lots of laughs, tears, and tons of love.  And I came back to a clean house and happy children, what more could a mama ask for?  Jeremy did a dang good job holding down the fort for three days, I mean seriously I was impressed.  And I think it encouraged me to do it more often...hehehe...

Life with the kiddos is good.  Graham is doing amazing at school and just soaking up learning like a sponge, it's awesome to watch.  Audrey is really into gymnastics and very excited to start Kindergarten, keeps waiting for time to speed up so she can be at the big school!  I would like it to slow down, she's so big and capable and it melts and breaks my heart in the same instant.

Nolan is doing amazing.  He is my favorite...well right now...they change with the seasons or even the day!  He is so flipping sweet and funny.  Tons of personality and his signing is literally incredible, I need to make a video, he signs at least 50 signs now- and really he would learn one with about 2 repitions- we just need to learn more!  He says a couple of words "ahh duh" for all done and "ba" for ball.  Honestly I can't say I really care, because he signs so well, it doesn't matter.  This morning I brought him into our bed and he signed, "down" then "yogurt" then "bacon"...haha, he was a hungry boy and it's awesome to see him get it.  I have really been feeling so relieved and happy with his progress.  He is getting a minor surgery in about a month- tubes- and a sedated ABR, since he's had fluid the last three attempts to get a hearing test.  Will be good to just get some answers if he is in fact having problems hearing.  He has orthodics on his feet now, but still no walking, his standing is amazing and he will walk with your fingers, but oh well, in good time, I am thinking by his 3rd birthday in late August.  It will be heaven on earth when I can set him down and he stands up and doesn't try to crawl away!  Instead he will just run away- yeah I know, it's not really easier!

EJ well he's had a rough bit with being sick, it seems like he had about 2 weeks of health in the last 4 months, respiratory and double ear infections non stop.  I want to keep him in a bubble and trust me I try to, but with 3 other small kids around, it's a challenge.  To be honest it's exhausting, I am up from 2-3 times a night and early in the morning and then all day he's cranky and hard to calm.  He has a couple days of improvement and then bam he's bad again.  It's when I find myself getting pissed.  Pissed that he has a weak immune system and that between him and Nolan someone is ALWAYS sick around here and then I get exhausted and then cranky and then, well you know.  It's when I stop and think of the months going by and that he is almost 10 months old and is 12 pounds.  TINY is an understatement.  He eats like a champ, I haven't tried solids yet, no good reason, just that he can't sit up so doesn't make it very easy for feeding him.  I don't push him or really measure him on a chart, I don't really engage his therapies as I 'should', I don't know, maybe because I am already doing twice a week for Nolan and have 2 other kids and their activities to attend to.  I don't want to waste OUR whole lives on therapies.  I know, I am bad, probably going to be fired as a special needs mom any moment? Wait is that an option? LOL. 

I am still shocked at moments that this is our life.  I still pause- when I was bowling with G and A this weekend and realized this could have been my life.  2 kids.  Easy.  SO easy.  I think the hardest part is and always will be that we just don't know what life looks like.  I sat there cursing in my head, things like- "Grace of course you can still do all these things, don't be ridiculous, you can bowl with them!!!"  But, it's not that simple.  When you have typical kids you think, ok in 3 years we can take them bowling, or skiing, or to Disney, you know when they will do certain things and you can plan on that.  It's what I find most difficult to find the answers to- When is the getting up every night going to end?  After 4 kids, it doesn't seem it has in 6 years!  Are we ever going to be outside at our house and they will just all run and play and be OK?  Will all of them interact like they do now, forever?  G and A love making their brother's giggle and taking baths with them and helping Nolan to walk across the room or get out of his crib.  Will they always want to help? Or get old and look at me like, really?  I worry about that.  When will visiting Children's hospital not be weekly or monthly but yearly?  EVER?  When will I plan hair appointments more than surgeries? We were going over designs for the new house with our builder and the surgery scheduler called me and I had to take it, they could hear it was important and whispered something about we can do this later and I simply put up my finger and needed one minute and on with design we go.  That's life now, I am not sure if I think that is good or bad, but whatever it is, it is our reality.  I schedule appointments and surgeries like play dates and sometimes they each get cancelled due to a sick kid and you simply re-schedule. 

I wonder with every new "typical" baby born, why not us?  Why twice?  I try to tell myself lately that it will be so good for both of them to have each other, throughout their life they will have a friend and that is something- actually the only thing- I prayed for every night when Nolan was born.  That he be liked, happy and have a friend.  I guess my prayers were answered. 


  1. My boys told me right away when they got home that they saw my friend, G's mom at the alley. It took a little bit of coaxing to get all the details. Glad you were able to get out for some silliness....
    I can only comment as an onlooker (not a stalker) and say that when we have talked, your perspective is great. I look at all that you do/are/give, I wonder if I could even tackle a fraction of that. I have 1 kid. I find it a bit exhausting. I am so spoiled. You are doing exactly what you need to today. Let all the other days wait their turn. Hugs to you all..

    1. It was so sweet seeing Connor and his dad bowling! Your words are balm to my heart- seriously thank you for your friendship and love- always!

  2. Ah, I often think back to when THREE kids was soooo easy. Here we sit at six, and there are days where it is damn tough and I think what the hell did we do!! *sigh*
    And for you having two little ones both with their own special needs I can't imagine the exhaustion you feel at times. I always want to give you a hug after reading your posts. As always, I admire your strength. Your blog is one of my favorites because your thoughts and feelings are so raw and real, and no matter how hard things are you just keep moving forward with that powerful love for your children. Hugs to you my friend.

  3. The last paragraph of this blog post is everything, Grace. Love it!


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