bikes and school pics...who needs em?

Isn't crazy that in life perspective is reality?  I've always loved that phrase.  Obsessed with the meaning and realizing it's depth.  Like this time last year I didn't know I was pregnant yet, Nolan was just beginning to heal from his seizures and showing his sparkling personality and life was finally feeling settled.  I sit back now and wish to go back, of course, to a time that it was just the three children, I had the dream of another still in my mind and our baby boy was coming to life.  I had no idea how much easier my life was.  Because that's the thing about life, you don't know how easy it is or how much more you can handle till you are in that said place in the future.  When you have one kid you can't imagine two, when you have two- you can't fathom three, and so on.  Well let's just say 4 is kicking my butt!  It's exhausting, there is no sugar coating it.  Our days are filled with managing who's breaking down in that very moment and then moving on to the next, it's not the best display of parenting around here.

Confessional: my short term memory is no longer effective.  I forgot picture day at Graham's school; didn't even know it happened until this morning when I asked him and he said, oh yeah that was last week? WHAT? Are you sure?  Yep, it was.  How the hell didn't I remember that.  I mean, I am super mom, cape and all and I forgot flipping picture day?!  Wow.  Then not to be out done Audrey had "bike day" at school yesterday and I told myself 100 times don't forget her bike...yep...forgot her bike.  I saw them all sitting out when I arrived and my heart sank.  My poor girly.  I felt like such a failure as a mom and apologized profusely and did what only a good mom does, went to the store and let her pick out a treat, whatever, don't judge, it made ME feel better.

Isn't that what parenting is?  Finding ways to negate the bad and extenuate the good?  Somedays it tough.  The bad really did win.  Somedays we rock and it all seems like a fairy tale.  Lately it's all so complicated around here it's a nice batch of mediocre.  I may excel with Nolan and giving him attention and then fail with Audrey and her bike.  My house may win and look spectacular, but my kids screaming.  It's an ebb and flow of disaster to perfection...because I don't live in gray very often, my dramatic tendencies leave me waxing and waning too far in any one direction.

So, what has this all taught me? That I have too many kids.  That it's too tough to expect 4 kids to be happy all the time.  Add in a clean house and happy husband...um, yeah not gonna happen.  I make excuses like they are just too little, when the babies get older it'll get easier, but talk to any mom with schedules running them around like mad and you'll find that in fact it gets tougher.  How? I can't imagine!  What I am learning to do is live in now.  When I am with one snuggly baby and I can direct my care towards him, it is perfect.  When our nanny comes in 20 minutes and I am going to Audrey's school to surprise her for the last 20 minutes of class and then just have some girl time after, it will be perfect.  When Graham gets off the bus and I can sit with him and talk about his day for a few minutes, all is right in his world.  You see I will never be everything to all of our kids all of the time.  Ever.  But, to be good a few minutes, well that is just gonna have to do.