champion

Nolan...what's in a name? well, in his name, everything...it means champion...boy is he ever!

You know it's funny how life works. How when in your deepest moments of loss, sadness and despair. Something happens. Something very interesting happens. All the time you are holding onto whatever it may be, maybe a man that you should have let go of years ago...maybe a job that you thought was the best thing to happen to you, maybe money that you can't seem to make enough of...whatever it may be you find yourself realizing that you are squeezing the life out of that worry. You keep holding on tight to the last fiber of that dream, hope, wish and you know what, when you finally hit the place of letting it go, you know what happens...you do. And with that comes a space, a special place now available for something new....oh the possibilities.

Well, for some reason, in my life, I forget this amazingly true phenomenon and only until after I go through the very painful, lengthy process do I go OH YEAH, this is what happens when you let go of something you are white knuckling holding onto....it is so cool, rewarding and fun!

Well, I was white knuckling a lot this last year. Holding onto a dream of a boy I had wanted. Holding onto a family I had pictured. Holding onto ANYTHING I could, maybe he'll be different, the first boy with down syndrome to be a rocket scientist...um...yep, I actually dream THAT big! Well, these last few weeks, without me even realizing it, I was depressed, really more than that, angry and disappointed in myself that I wasn't at a better place and "holding" it together better a year into this journey. But, I had to put it in writing, my disappointment in my lack of strength during this time. And let.it.go. And, I did, I said, yep, I am not where I want to be....so what.

ahhhh....then it happened. I was. I am. right.where.I.want.to.be.

Nolan is amazing. So amazing. He gave it to me good. He decided why mess with easy babbling, let's go to the hard stuff, no words ever babbled, but BAM, he did it....MAMAMAMAMA! It melts my heart listening to it. I told my husband it is comparable to the first time you ever hear a baby's heart beating inside of you, the best sound I had ever heard until this point. His little mamamama, over and over....yep that trumped it. My champion said to me, "oh silly mama, don't give up hope, stop holding on so tight and just relax. I am here and I will succeed. You will know me and love me, just as I am."

He is right. Oh so right. Teaching me more in a year, than I have learned my whole entire life. Interesting really. How you learn so much from the simplest moments, the tiniest things that are larger than life really, that pull you up and out of a place where you have been so stagnate.

So, guess what, mama has hope. A lot of it.