Hi. It's been awhile. I am sparing you excuses and digging right in.
I am sure many of my friends reading this will be rolling their eyes with, "Oh Grace back on the Roller Coaster vs Merry Go Round conversation again." I have been rather obsessed with it lately.
Basically it goes like this. What's better a life of contentment, peace, and sameness aka Merry Go Round? Or a life of dramatic highs and lows, aka the roller coaster. I categorize people, well not normally to their face, but in my head as one or the other. The calm, rational ones usually in the Merry Go Round department and ones more like me, in the roller coaster category. I am known to have a mood swing or two, just sayin. In general I have longed and wished to be a Merry Go Round person, it just isn't happening. No matter how hard I try to keep my mouth shut for any number of minutes, an hour seemingly impossible, I blurt out something, often times completely inappropriate things, leading to crashes in various relationships. Now, it's not all bad, because with roller coasters, there is always a thrill, a high, an enviable rush and the passion in my marriage is such. The bonds in my close relationships unbreakable. The love felt by and for my children, literally a force of nature. It's that intensity that makes me, me. So why do I question it? Why do I analyze it's value and importance to death? Because that's what I do with a freaking commercial on TV; of course I do it with this! In all seriousness, my over analytical nature is often times a nagging problem for restless nights and questions that frequently don't have answers. But, still it's interesting.
Will our children grow up and say, "Seriously calm down and stop bickering!"? Probably. For where there is true passion and love, there is also fire and ice. We aren't your average lovey, dovey couple. We can go to bat for our opposite view points for hours, both stubborn and unwilling to relent. Jeremy will succumb more than I, no doubt, but don't let those blue eyes fool you, he has equal intensity. That's not to say that we are without our romantic, loving, soft, side either. His words and warm embrace can heal my wounds and overflow my heart. My support and admiration mean the world to him. We are each others go to person, and we also go after each other. I wish we didn't, I wish we were less intense. And I wonder what a house is like with a "traditional" Merry Go Round way of functioning. Do they have dance parties at 5 on a Tuesday? Probably not. Do they tell fart jokes with their 7 year old? I am guessing that's inappropriate after age 18. So as much as our biting tongues lash out, our hearts engage and fill with every ounce of laughter. Is that so bad?
Still, is it more valuable to have parents that are in control. Smile and hug you, are predictable in schedule and emotions. Are at peace in general with their relationships and generally don't challenge their life circumstances or complain about their environments. Even as I write that, I feel tense, thinking, "OMG I am SO not that person!!!!!!!" As Jeremy would say, "There is this color in the world that you should learn, it's called grey." I realize that Merry Go Rounds do sometimes break and you can get dizzy on them. But for the most part, how bad can it be, it's a Merry Go Round. It seems the real danger in life, the risks are on that roller coaster and that is where I get worried. Before you go freaking out, I am not talking about major things like abuse of any kind, I am talking about yelling and losing it when you have to ask your kids 14 times to brush their teeth or put on their shoes. Merry Go Rounds don't do that. They speak in sing song and keep their composure at all times, or at least 95% of the time, much higher than my generously self-given 75%.
I think the toughest part about being a parent is the constant questioning as to if you are doing it "right". I don't think there is an answer. I am sure Graham will never forget when I was blaring Kesha's Timber in the minivan as I pulled up to school to drop them off and he was shouting, "Mom stop it! This is so embarrassing!!!" I smiled and turned it down just as the button pushed to open the door and spare his 2nd grade boyhood from complete horror. But my heart jumped, clearing the top of the 1,783 hill that it has climbed. The slight rush of fun and humor and love that filled the mini; it's in those moments it all makes sense. I am crazy, this ride is exhilarating. There is no other way to do this for me, in this life. I think my focus needs to shift from, is this right? To, this is our life. It's a ride, enjoy it either way.
