wiped

maybe it's this time of year...that's what I keep telling myself...it's dark, cold, dreary, holidays are over and well we need some sun and fun- two weeks to a disney cruise should do the trick.  Lately, my heart is heavy, I seem to have a variety of answers at any given time of day for this...see above; but also the list goes on, maybe it's the weight of a new baby and another diagnosis; maybe it's Nolan's never ending illnesses, one after another, dietary changes, supplements, nothing seems to change his inability to shake the most basic cold, it's exhausting. Hell maybe it's 4 kids 6 and under, someone needing you all.day.long.  Maybe it's Jeremy's demanding work schedule and my obsessive nature that just wants to live in Pinterest and Houzz and meet with our builders every.single.day.  Yes, they are going to end up firing me out of pure frustration!  But, really, it's a combination.  I am on the go- barely making time to breathe and I remind myself that it isn't in fact any of those things and all of those things at the same time.  That's the thing.  I could tell you a sob story of my life circumstance and you know what? You would probably buy it.  I mean I have legitimate reasons to be on the verge of a meltdown....but what I have truly learned through these years of trial is they are no different than my years of non-trial.  Truly, life is what you make it.  Life lies in the moments that pass through your fingers when you are moaning and groaning and throwing your fists in the air.  There it went? Did you see it? 

I remember being 15 and feeling devestated by the loss of my first love.  You know the one that you are for sure going to marry and you have your children named, Victoria and Matthew- ummm not so much.  But, still I can taste that pain, it was real, raw and no one could have convinced me that it was going to end and I was going to feel differently come well...Monday.  The ups and downs of teenage agnst, I have always understood and empathized with and early on in my graduate degree I worked with troubled youth.  A population that many people find obnoxious and ridiculous, I find impressive and bold.  Because they live.  They take each moment as it comes and live in it, truly.  And as you get older that gusto escapes you.  It's not so easy to live in the moment, to be free, wild and careless.  We know better and the consequences that await you around the corner that are much more heavy than the principal. 

The point is, this lull, this down turn, well, it shall pass and I know that now.  The gift of age helps.  The years of waking after your eyes are almost closed shut from swollen tear falling sessions, teach you that morning still comes and you get up again and well, you survive. 

Last week, my favorite blogger, my inspiration, my bff in FL (she doesn't know that, shhh) she gave birth to her son, on Valentines Day.  Of course she did.  She is full of life and love and she really truly is.  A lot of people like to tear her down, say it can't be real, but it is and it can be and I totally believe it to be.  I am not saying she is perfect, of course not, but she works at life.  Living with the gusto that we used to, when we were young.  To see her in that hospital room, kissing that sweet, baby boy.  I have to be honest, it pains me to a degree that harkens back to the day I found out about EJ and his condition.  I hadn't felt that raw, exposed pain in a long time and even while I type, I feel it.  Like a whale has planted his butt on my chest.  I wish I didn't.  I wish that after 7 months I could say that I felt differently.  But, I sit her and think wow, one year ago, I had the world at my fingertips, a new baby growing in my belly and now, I feel shattered, tattered and wounded.  I don't feel triumphant, I don't feel the strength and optimism I did last year.  And yet, nothing really has changed.  That same baby that made me feel triumphant was in my belly and now he is out, he didn't change.  I did.  I have a choice right now.  I am not perfect, far from it.  But, I try despite my circumstances to keep living, going, moving.  The truth is last year life wasn't perfect, it wasn't when I was 15 or 25 or 35, it had it's ups and downs then as it does now.  And that's all this is- a bump on a roller coaster ride that will soon go up.