bucket FULL

I am sorry, so sorry for the neglect of this blog and writing.  I wish I had more time for it, honestly I do.  I have so many moments in time that I long to grab my computer and listen only to the tip tapping of my fingers across keys and emotions sent to the endless land of the internet.  But, well, four kids has done.me.in.  I can still manage most things, but time for myself and writing; it's taken a huge hit.  I tell myself just write a blurb; nothing long and poetic, but still, even that seems too much as of late.  I can tell you all the normal mom excuses, including but not limited to: our whole household having the "real flu" yes even poor baby EJ.  But, we are on the upswing, without Tamiflu I might add- I could go on for days about that crap!  But, also a surgery, MRI, Jeremy's Q4 at work; it's endless and honestly just leads me back to- sorry!  So, with good intentions I am back, brushing off the dust on the keyboard and ready to share. 

Life has been crazy lately, (read above!) but what really has been crazy is realizing that my mind in a mental state of chaos has a limit.  I don't think I ever knew this.  That even a type A, over thinking freak show like myself has moments that I really don't digest anymore and just sit still.  I think it's going on year three of tragic diagnosis' and bad news about babies.  Eventually you give.  You can't sit and google anymore pseudo solutions- you know the ones that help you sleep for that night but bring you no closer to a happy ending.  At some point you realize your happy ending isn't coming.  I don't mean that in a depressing way, quite the contrary, you learn what you have wanted to learn your entire life.  Live now.  Enjoy now.  Focus on now.  And finally I am.  I am hoping it doesn't take your body or brain three years of bad shit happening to get that point, what can I say I am stubborn and bullheaded!  The strangest thing happened a couple weeks ago and I can't seem to wrap my brain around it.  Before EJ I used to think our bucket was full.  This imaginary bucket that I think we all have somewhere that houses all the bad and good in life, the BIG things.  And well, I thought between my brother dying young, my parents divorce that left me as a 13 year old girl living with my dad and then having a child with down syndrome and then him having infantile spasms, well I thought it was full.  You know like don't come knockin around here for awhile we are good on the hard stuff.  It's odd because I was at such peace with Nolan and life with him, truly, and I am so grateful for that I can't imagine grieving EJ and still struggling with Nolan at the same time.  Anyway, I saw the most random story about JonBenet Ramsey- you remember the little girl who was brutally murdered in her parents basement and left for dead?  For some reason this time when I read it; I had a different focus and that was one of her dad's.  I decided to look into John Ramsey's life story...ok I know I can't write a blog, but can do this crap? So, I found out his mother died when he was around 20 and his dad married his mom's mom! Yes he married his grandma; who now became his step mom? Then he had three children with his first wife and they divorced. Then he married Patsy and they had two children.  When JonBenet was two years old he lost his 22 year old daughter in a tragic car accident.  4 years later he lost JonBenet and worse than that was prosecuted in the media for YEARS for being the murderer- honestly I can't imagine anything worse.  Then to top it all off Patsy- his wife, died of cancer.  I mean COME ON!!!!!!! Is his bucket full yet? 

It struck me, it reminded me that none of our buckets ever really, truly fill up, with bad or good fortune.  At any moment either can strike you and send your train off the course it planned.  This may seem horrifying and exhausting to imagine, but for me it offers comfort.  It reminds me that control, worry, anxiety about the next thing, does nothing.  All that worry does is rob the moment you have right now and takes it away.  I needed that.  EJ has a bit going on right now and his prognosis could very easily take a turn for the worse in regards to his spine in the near future.  Jeremy asked me after my appointment with the nuerosurgeon what does that mean?  I said, "Jeremy, what does any of it mean? If they tell you that EJ will never walk will that help?  If he walks for three years but then stops after he's 8- will that make you feel better? I mean honestly, what is going to help?  It's why I have grown to despise most any and all medical appointments.  I just can't seem to find the point in "guessing" all the time.  Wishing, wanting, praying, hoping, where does it bring us?  Sometimes to good, sometimes not so good.  I'd rather live now.  Now EJ is a happy boy, he smiles and knows he only wants mommy.  I mean he should be in a commercial if anyone else tries to hold him instant tears and screaming and the minute he hits the crook of my arm- ahhhh mama.  It melts me.  It helps me.  It reminds me that walking, talking, passing a test, college, they don't really matter.  Connection does.  Living our life right now has taught me that connection is the reason we are here.  All of us.  It's not about how skinny or beautiful we are, how much money we make, how many promotions we get.  It's about connection.  Understanding that is the key to peace, happiness and that ever elusive contentment. 

For a couple of years Jeremy and I have discussed building a house and I must admit a shallow part of me wanted it fancy, gorgeous and over the top.  The other part of me want our children grounded with quirky neighbors and diversity.  It was a tough call for me.  Jeremy had his mind set on a particular area that I knew our children would be isolated from a world different than that, where a kids biggest problem was what pool to swim at.  I have to admit to caving and going forward with the latter.  I decided we have enough diversity right between our own four walls and why not bring it to that uber perfect neighborhood?  I crave something to throw myself into that is fun, exciting and well shallow.  And that's ok too.  I need a break from the heavy right now.  I am giving myself that.  We had 7 appointments last week for the babies and well, it gets old.  I will keep going and showing up and doing what needs to be done, but right NOW I am on pinterest looking at pools and bathroom fixtures.  It's an exciting time for us and we shall focus our energy on each of our kiddos as needed to ensure their success in life, in connections, it feels good.  It's all good.  There's a blizzard on the way and I like to pretend we are Laura Ingalls in the woods except with reality TV and internet.  It's about balance, right?