lucky

Tonight, sitting in the candle lit darkness of our screen porch, surrounded by silence and sounds of nature; I thought it, something I never thought I would think again.  "I can't believe I am this lucky."  I didn't want to write this, didn't want to say it out loud to the universe.   Because, really, it seems like bragging or annoying in some way.  But, it's true.  I kissed 4 beautiful, perfectly, imperfect children to sleep tonight.  I sent a text to my traveling man with a heart as we kissed goodnight from afar.  And as I sat in the stillness the peace of right now rushed over me.  I really do have all that I have ever wanted right here, right now.  You spend your life forming images and dreams of what your life may look like.  I can't say that mine looks the way I imagined or dreamt of, in fact it is so much better.  It is rich, deep and full of life.  This past weekend I had a girls night with some of my favorite people and it reminded me what this journey is about.  A give and a take between friends, connecting through pain and tears, also through shannanigans and laughter.  It was perfectly imperfect.  We all were that night.  Each with our own stories of pain and triumph.  Gifts that we bring the world and our families each day.  I admire each of them in so many different ways.  So lucky I am to know them and call them friends. 

I sit and miss my husband, truly my heart aches thinking of him gone, even for a couple of days.  After 15 years.  He is my rock.  He knows every side of me, the nitty gritty.  We don't sugar coat things and we bicker like teenagers.  But, we also love like teenagers, after 15 years. It's a connection, undeniable.  It can't be spelled out, our story too rich in details to ever be simplified in a few paragraphs.  It's what I love about us.  Our journey wasn't and isn't easy, bumps all over our road map.  And still we are together.  So lucky. 

I took Graham to dinner tonight, just him and I.  It was so glorious, talking to him about life and table manners at a fancy restaurant.  Watching him thank the waitress and say he should change from his t-shirt if we were going to a grown-up place.  He is growing up.  We laughed and walked on the river and he said things like, "next time we should just sit down by the water and have a picnic and watch the water....Nolan would love it, let's bring Nolan."  I said to him, do you ever wish Nolan was different?  That he could talk to you and do more?  He said, "NO of course NOT!  I love Nolan just the way he is, he will talk to me one day and even if I don't like legos when he finally does, I will play them with him and it'll be fun."  He's a winner this kid.  He melts my heart.

I arrived home to our soon to be 7 year old and she was playing with her brothers.  Carefully choosing toys that each one would like all while turning a blank book that we got into a Curious George story written and illustrated by her for Nolan for his soon to be 4th birthday.  Imagine that?  She has a birthday 6 days away and thinking of his.  Lucky.  Very lucky.  In her story that is almost finished, George gets to eat ice cream and look at fish, all the things Nolan loves to do.

I went to take Nolan up to bed and said say good night Nolan and Audrey came screaming over, "NOOOO!"  I had a slight heart palpation and then she said,  "I need to hug him goodnight!"  He jumped out of my arms and they hugged tightly, their little hands tapping each others backs.  She blew him kisses up the staircase and he blew them back.  Perfect isn't it?

It's just the same with our little bouncing boy EJ, so many kisses and hugs all day, every day.  He is lavished in love.  What was I so worried about?  What was so scary?  Life? Love?  I am so lucky.  I am that girl that has everything I always wanted.  Funny how on a random Monday that can happen.  Perspective is a beautiful thing.  Let's hope I keep that going past 10 am tomorrow, HA- didn't say I appreciate it all- in between the screaming, fighting and general chaos around here. But, it feels good to know I can feel lucky.  I am.