baby steps

Wow, it's been an exciting time around here.  We moved and are all settled in to the "Abe" house.  It's been fun and exciting to change it up a bit and explore a little ole town just south of the river town we call home.  We have spent days walking to the local bakery eating delicious pastries.  Spent mornings eating yummy breakfast in the grass on picnic tables at the local cafe.  Had play dates at parks around town, so far three and also the local watering hole that includes an awesome bowling alley.  It's been a blast, having fires with friends at night, walking to the river and hanging with family.  No complaints, ok ants and random leaks not so fun, but all fixed, thanks to our awesome landlord, aka my uncle! 

So many gaps to fill you in on, EJ turned one and no big Robbins party happened.  It was by choice.  About a week prior I had a total emotional breakdown.  The really, really ugly cry kind and everything in life hit me hard.  I hate those days.  I love them because friends get bonded closer, this girl lovingly and gently got me through.  Her man mixed up some cocktails and yummy bites to eat and there we sat in a suburban yard while I wept, screamed, pondered and freaked.  We discussed life's deep topics and ways to resolve hurt.  We muddled through history of pains and origins of bad habits.  The life we are leading now compared with the life we pictured back then.  It's what real friendships are made of.  The interweaving of thoughts and ideas, support and love.  Those kind of connections don't happen overnight.  They slowly meld from a haggard mom story to a complaining about husband rant to drinks late into a Thursday night to a couples event on a Saturday in Minneapolis.  Then one late, lazy Sunday afternoon, a phone call from a total meltdown where you ponder the bridge your crossing and it looking like a rather good option of escape from your doomsday.  And she is there, your friend that you have carefully cared for and listened to and shared with for years.  Yep, those connections, those moments, they can't happen without all the dirty, nasty, reality of your innards exposed outwardly.  Without a wonderful word- vulnerability. 

Our world is scary sometimes, for all of us.  I have been learning a valuable lesson as of late.  It involves baby steps.  I seem to want to sprint and rather fly to my next destination, glossing over all that lies in between.  Lately I have realized the marrow, the heart, the everything of life, is in fact that in between.  It was so perfectly illustrated on July 3, this year.  Shortly after my life breakdown, for when it is dark, there is always light.  I had decided not to celebrate EJ's 1st birthday in a grand fashion.  Hard for me to admit that, as it seems rather awful.  But, nonetheless it is honest.  I just couldn't bring myself to prop him up to a cake that he wouldn't eat and watch his head tilt as I propped him up in a sitting contraption.  I remember too freshly Nolan's 1st birthday and a similar scene and it broke my heart to repeat it.  So, I bought some cupcakes and scooped some ice cream, I dug out a single random candle and the kids and Jeremy and I sang and we blew out the candle and voila, happy birthday EJ.  It was short and sweet and surprisingly the kids didn't seem to notice the lack of grandiosity.  Perhaps it was because the opening act superseded the main event.  Moments prior to our gathering to sing, Nolan decided it was time to take steps himself.  After 2 years and 10 months our lil Nol's decided to take 4 wobbly, glorious, perfect steps to daddy.  Over and over he signed more with giggles and cheers from his most supportive fans- Graham and Audrey.  It was a moment let me tell you.  It was a moment in life that you stop and realize it's all here, all right here that the goodness is found.  If you take baby steps.  Enjoy the baby steps.  Recognize baby steps are how everything in life are formed.  Marathons are run step by step.  Houses are built nail by nail.  Relationships are constructed a laugh and cry at a time. 

I have been pushing and rushing for a long time, still do find myself in the whirlwind of crazy, running out the door to well...what? an appointment, an event, a reservation, no need to rush.  Step by step, moment by moment, slow it down.  All the good in our lives is now.  This crazy time with two rather needy babies and two more fun, but rather demanding children.  These are the moments that I have been rushing to all of my life and now it's time to enjoy the baby steps that are building the ones in the future.