shallow end

The past two weeks has been a whirlwind.  Many of you know via facebook that EJ was hospitalized for the first time since he was born.  He had lost over 2lbs and from a 12lb start, that isn't good.  He had a temp of 102 and was extremely dehydrated.  He required an IV and spent two nights there.  It was startling and eye opening as any sudden hospitalization is.  But, also Jeremy was completely ill and out of commission as well.  So, there I sat, alone...for many hours.  Of course, amazing friends and family occupied my time and brought their love support and most importantly food.  But, in the trenches there in the night, the beeping of machines were my company.  The screams of a baby next door for her mama my horror.  The nurses every two hour visits my frustrations.  I had many hours to think about life as our older kids were concerned about EJ and wishing mama was home.  Most of the time was spent realizing despite our circumstances, how minor this all was in the scheme of so many of my friends and their struggles.  It's good to open your heart to others pain, you learn to appreciate your own for what it isn't, instead of wallowing in it.

Jeremy is in sales and he kicks ass, simply put, and a shameless brag.  But, really he works his butt off and this year it paid off, he was invited to Sales Club, which for those that don't know if a trip for the top reps from a company annually that bring their spouses and it's all expenses paid.  We have gone before and I kind of know the ropes.  He had switched companies prior to Nolan's birth and this was our first Club after.  I was excited to go, had a ton on my to do list which included cleaning my house, buying outfits that weren't maternity wear from last summer, getting teacher appreciation gifts, getting my step-dad's birthday gift, organizing Graham's birthday party, getting mother's day gifts for the mama's, grocery shopping for my dad and his wife while they stayed here, getting the mini cleaned, getting new makeup that didn't have fur growing on it and packing- yeah I had a lot to take care of, and since the week prior Nolan was sick I was behind, really behind.  Then EJ got really sick and the world stopped along with any tasks.  So, staring out blankly at the red flashing light illuminating the hospital room and all the racing thoughts in my head of what I should be doing, just stopped.  The trip would have to not happen, I mean we couldn't leave now, with EJ so sick.  But, Jeremy and I needed this so badly, we have been under so much stress, both of us.  And we needed to laugh and have fun and be without sick kiddos for a bit.  Amazingly we got released from the hospital and on the plane on time.  My dad's wife is a nurse, so that helped and EJ was doing a ton better of course.

We arrived at the airport to be greeted by a man with a sign and a black car to take the two of us to the Four Seasons, a stark contrast that wasn't wasted on me.  There I walked with a long flowing dress, holding hands with my handsome man and looking like we hadn't a care in the world.  Appearances are tricky aren't they?  I often tell myself that when some asshat (thank you Liz my new fav word) cuts me off in traffic.  You never know who you are crossing path's with and what they are experiencing so tread lightly.  We arrived in perfection, were sitting by a pool eating amazing food and cocktails in less than 24 hours out of the cold hospital room I had called home for over 2 days.  It made my stomach sick.  I told myself I needed it and to let go.  I did.  I chatted with wives about pools, houses, husbands, friends, money, jobs, kids, horses, faith, love, loss, you name it, I covered it.  With our hubbies golfing we spend a lot of time together us wives, and you learn a lot.  Mostly you learn that we are all the same, all have the same baggage and insecurities.  All cry and worry about the same issues surrounding our children and families.  but, still I couldn't help but feel different.  As if someone was going to jump out and say, "HEY what is SHE doing here???!!!".  Because I am different.  The life I go back to isn't a scarlet letter, it isn't something I hide or flinch from, but it is very different than most of the people there.  I try to sit in the shallow end as long as I can handle it.  I try to nod and smile and joke about dumb things, bet on shuffle board games, get drunk and dress to the nines and most would say I probably pulled it off.  I am not sure if that's good or not yet.  Truthfully it's hard sitting there in the land of perfect.  Because life isn't all pretty and I feel like that land is so fake now.  I just want to stand on my stretched out cushy lawn chair and shout, "hey tell a story of how fucked up each of you are!!!"  I decided we could use Jeremy's job so didn't do that!  But, really, I love living in the real, in the honest, in the who are you really.  So, dipping my toe in the shallow end has it's plus's but I wouldn't trade my deep end swims for anything.

I will forever appreciate the dichotomy of which our life is run, we are so blessed with material things and accomplishments and drenched also in a world of needs and desires that may never be fulfilled.  Jeremy had a few moments of squeezing my shoulder or nudging my legs throughout this trip.  We would debrief later about my outrageous actions that required attention.  Usually they involved crossing a boundary with a vice president of the company or something like that...it's hard for me.  The deciphering of who I need to be "on" around.  I find that I have less and less time for that, and more time for the "we are all people, president, vice president, billionaire or no-aire", I just see a person.  It's rather freeing but not so much for the person that works there I guess? Ah well, it's never boring around here!