bittersweet

"Bittersweet", that word pretty much sums it all up about our 2012.  A year ago I was writing a post about a very tough 2011 where we struggled with seizures and yet our baby came back to life with the help of modern medicine. We were thrilled and shocked to be expecting a new baby and with that came new hope.  I am not going to say it's easy sitting in this seat a year later and the results of 2012.  I can't say it did what I was hoping it would.  I can't say our dreams were fulfilled, when many in fact were shattered.  Yet as I reflect and find what really strikes me, is the existence of two very polarizing forces, between loss and gain; sweet and bitter.  2012 was a year that began filled with hope and focused on triumph and strength.  There were amazing memories, including the trip to Florida with the kiddos and the birth of a sweet baby boy.  There were heart stopping moments of struggle and pain, the news of yet another genetic diagnosis and the loss of a dear friend.  But, with those struggles, with that pain, rose friendships that wouldn't have been, connections that are forever bound and sealed.  Life is like that, full of transitions, periods that we reflect on and our heart hurts, feels heavy and begs to be carried; and with the help of love from others, it flies and floats again. 

I have learned so much in 2012 that words seem too minimal to encompass the scope of growth.  I have lived by the motto, "you may not be able to make it better, but you can make it worse."  As morbid and downright depressing that may seem, to someone in a time of struggle, it makes crystal clear sense.  I tell myself that daily and sometimes 10 times a day, others pass without the weight of our reality and happiness carries it through.

The truth is, it's hard to write this, words aren't flowing because after Christmas, I find myself in a funk, a place of "what's next?".  I like the chaos and busy of the holidays, so when it is over, I am left reeling and looking for well...more.  It also marks the last day that I had "imagined" with our new baby.  You see, I was so worried to even dream about a typical child when I was pregnant that I really limited my daydreams to this Christmas, I saw him on the first day of school and tucking him away in a sling, I pictured him dressed up for Halloween.  I designed and envisioned our Christmas cards with him being kissed on by his big bros and sis.  And last but not least, I pictured him "sitting up" with a Santa hat on Christmas day.  As we know that wasn't the reality, those images came to fruition in some form or another, but life isn't known to deliver our dreams impeccably.  It has a way of carving out it's own path amidst your dreams and through it you discover meaning and grow; hopefully.  At any rate, it was my final image, and for that I am relieved.  Tired of mourning the loss that I had pictured and now moving forward to celebrate the life we were given.  

So good bye 2012, you taught me love, forgiveness, strength, commitment, and most importantly, perseverance.  I have no images, no dreams, no crazy expectations for 2013, perhaps that is sad in some regards it is, but instead, I hope for nothing more than the strength and wisdom to enjoy every last moment; however they unfold.  I leave you with pics from Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, it was all beautiful and filled with love. 

oh the horse...how could santa resist!

He wanted tree house books more than anything else :)

Miss Audrey showed her horse "Ginger" every single gift she got

Mr. Nol was more excited about wrapping paper than the presents!

first of a billion sets of legos complete!

ummm yeah, stomach flu came Christmas morning and stayed all break, not fun

she loved her vet costume and said she was a vet in the old days riding her horse to people's houses; let's not tell her cell phones weren't around then! :)

oh the boys love each other so

what happens when you say he can't play with EJ anymore