true love

True love...it isn't always pretty.  In fact it's got some pretty get down dirty secrets sometimes.  But, still on this day, 13 years ago, I met mine.  We married 5 years later on the same day, January 10th, 2004.  It's been EIGHT years.  And wow, who knew that we'd have 4 kids 8 years in, NOT US!  I told Jeremy this morning, "wow, I've been pregnant, 4 of our last 6 anniversaries!"  Craziness really.  We were such young, and innocent kids when we met.  We thought we were so old, so wise, funny thing about life, how the older you get the more you realize that you are less wise every year!

But, although true love isn't perfect all the time.  This day was.  In every way.  The most perfect day.  It was gorgeous.  We decided to get married far away in an intimate setting, only family.  Then have a large reception, celebration 6 months later in June, because yeah, I needed a reason to wear that dress twice.  Oh the dress...I found it 2 years before we got married, fell in love with it!  Not the price!  But, it was so beautiful, and perfect.  Not exactly Hawaii though, so needed to find a venue that was old world, charming and intimate and we did.  A private estate on the beach, with green grass and blue skies in abundance.   I loved every detail of my wedding day.  But, what I loved the most, what I cherish the most, is the emotion of that day.  Captured in every photo.  Our happiness.  Our love.
I mean look at the moment we first saw each other....perfect.

Let's get down to the details that truly made the day even more spectacular....it was heaven digging this all up this morning...(not the digging! but the finding!)

My mom made this purse from extra fabric from my dress and gave me her handkerchief inside, my something borrowed and blue garter.

We gave sandalwood fans for favors at the ceremony and silk travel journals marked everyone's place at the reception with a handwritten note on each first page, I love what Jeremy wrote, but that's a secret...

Remember these??? REAL TICKETS!  I am so happy I kept it!  I mean how funny to see! They look like rotary phones!

Upon each guests arrival they had these amazing boxes waiting for them in their rooms, I kept ours just as it was...might I remind you we were in Hawaii so getting this all back isn't as easy as it looks!  But I am so glad I did, I opened this box and smelled all the yummy goodness inside still, the macadamia nuts, still looking edible, shockingly enough!

I kept the note Jeremy sent with the roses to my room while I was getting ready, a bag of rose pedals we passed out to each guest for tossing, the champagne cork and I had to keep that bouquet, even all shriveled, it's too hard to throw away!

My dad eyes full of tears of joy as he was walking me down....he wrote the most amazing card to Jeremy the day of our wedding, simply stating how blessed he was to call him a son...they both are so close and lucky to have each other.

Our vows, we wrote and printed and read for the first time that day to each other.  No idea what the other wrote and Jeremy's were LONGER than mine, shocking I know!

It was the most serene, beautiful wedding ceremony I have ever been apart of.  It was beyond my dreams.  Just as my man is.

See when you live with me, it isn't always this pretty.  I am tough, analytical, critical, high maintenance.  And Jeremy, he is patient, stubborn, strong and kind.  Mostly we are funny and inappropriate.
 And we bicker like we've been married for 50 years.  We compete in fantasy football and with our driving skills, well and just about everything else too.  We can argue about how long it takes to get from point A to point B and who's way is fastest.  Yeah, we are adolescents in so many ways.  But deep down.  Deep down there is a love that is indescribable.  True.  Deep.  And always present.  When you have two people that are as strong in personality and opinion as us, well it's never boring.  We like that.  We like passion and intensity.  We aren't for the weak or consistent.  We like to shake it up.  I love that about us.  Sometimes of course I wish for a better way to communicate than rolling my eyes, or huffs and puffs, but that's us.  Our kids will know that love is up and down and all around.  But in the end, when it really matters it is overflowing and ready to fill you back up.

So Happy Anniversary to my love.  Thank you for all you do for us, all of your hard work and standing in line for 30 minutes last night for a meal for this pregnant chick, just to make me smile.  It's one of the 1000 reasons I love you.  Heres to 50 more.  

baby baby baby ohhhh

Oh the feeling of babies is in the air...memories of our babies growing too fast....love looking at pics, remembering squeezing those chunky, little legs and arms....my princess at 9 months....

Hurts my heart how fast it all goes...too fast.  So, how did we end up in the predicament of getting preggo AGAIN!  Honestly, we aren't really sure!  I mean hello we are aware at this point how it happens, but we honestly thought we took appropriate precautions, one of which my husband would say the birth control that is just having three children under 5, isn't that enough in itself?  Add that to another and we had zero intention of having another right now.  I say right now, because I didn't feel done even weeks before giving birth to Nolan.  At first, I wanted a re-do, just to rewind my whole life and be back to the naive life I once had where all babies come out perfect and your worst problem was when you would sleep again.  So, I didn't know how long it would take or if ever I would feel like I was wanting another for the "right" reasons.  Well, it happened.  I did know.  This past summer I felt like OK, I do want more and it has nothing to do with wanting to replace or re-do Nolan's experience.  I needed that.  I did want to plan it though and just soak up every moment of what may be my last pregnancy.  I wanted to plan for a spring birth and have Nolan walking and Graham and Audrey in school, that was the PLAN!!! HA!  Well, such as most things in our life my grand plans go to crap and we are left navigating some crazy path with a different design.  At first it's thrilling, then terrifying, then thrilling, then nerve wrecking, you get the picture.  A little roller coaster.  With age though, I find peace.  Peace in the unknown, the things at power that are bigger than us and free us from worrying.  It does no good anyway, right?  So, we had Graham and Audrey 15 months apart and listen, I still remember how difficult that was, waking with one baby teething, the other nursing, carrying two babies everywhere, feeling like if ANYONE touched me I may burst after a day of a baby constantly on me....it all seemed like such a whirlwind and then bam it was over and I had two toddlers who adored each other and loved to play together and it was the best!  I would have for sure done it again that quickly with Nolan had he not had Down Syndrome and other challenges that made it more difficult to imagine them that close, but guess what, they will be less than two years apart and with his development where it is currently it will most likely be like them being about 1 year apart!  

It's cool, isn't it? When life happens.  It just shoves you to a place of this is it.  You may not have planned this, but it's your life.  And honestly Jeremy and I when we aren't talking about giving up our lives for the next two years, all of the sleep, travel and going out, we are missing out on, :), we are talking about how perfect it really will be for our family and that neither of us is to "blame" per se.  It's all meant to be.  And there is no other way I'd like to have it.  Now, another summer birthday, I could have done without!  July 14, 2012, is our due date and with a May 13 and August 23 and 30, we are on summer birthday overload over here!  But, there are worst things and bigger problems, right?  

I wanted to talk a little about a lot of questions I know people may be wondering or have asked us already and just address it head on, kind of how I function in life.  When Nolan was about 6 months old I was convinced if I was pregnant again, I would do testing, I would want to know...have to know.  To prepare myself.  I posted earlier in the Choices blog about my feelings about testing, so most of you know where I stand.  And does that change when you have a child with Down Syndrome....well for me it hasn't.  It has re-enforced my belief that all things happen for a reason and that you are in charge ultimately for writing and telling your story.  I can't describe to you the peace I am at with this pregnancy.  Not that the baby is perfect or that it has to be "this time".  Nothing like that.  Peace that I know we will love this child and embrace him, (I'm convinced it's a boy!) But also that we can handle anything life throws at us.  That we are strong enough, brave enough and we will in the end be ok with any outcome.  It's not to say I am not wishing and hoping and expecting all to be OK, I am.  I have no reason not to.  But, there is a fear, a knowledge that we now have that things happen.  Life throws you curve balls.  So, no testing, none.  And no finding out the sex again this time, we want to be surprised!

I was watching Grey's Anatomy last night, and it was about "sudden impact" how you don't know the moment your life may change forever.  I think it's almost laughable now to say that down syndrome was that for us, seems like such a minor problem.  When you see news stories such as this....

Support Pouring Out For Paralyzed Hockey Player « CBS Minnesota

Makes you want to do this and never let them play anything or go anywhere again....

Or the story of a young police officer killed and he has three small children, just a kiss goodbye one morning and then bam, life changed...

I mean how do you compare this face...to those real tragedy's of life?

It's all perspective really.  Realizing that of course it was a challenge this journey to acceptance and I am sure there will be days in the future that it is still a struggle.  But, in the end, we are so blessed and so excited for our new chapter as a family of SIX! 

Memories

Graham carries this calculator everywhere, yeah we know he is UBER COOL! :)

2011 was a challenging, interesting year. As with anything in life it seems that we flourish and fail in times of struggle. It takes us stretching, pushing and pulling to succeed sometimes and often times despite our efforts we still fall short and more challenges await. It's interesting though the strength you find in challenge and tragedy if you look hard enough. Well, we've looked and found it. The year began with so much hope and promise. Nolan was strong and doing well, we were settling into three kids quite easily actually much easier than I anticipated. Then February came, Graham broke his leg and found his dreams of becoming a peg leg a reality. My concerns for Nolan's lack of development grew and so did numerous appointments and specialists, until finally June 30th an answer. Although, you may find an answer it may not be the one you want. For Nolan it meant Infantile Spasms a horrendous diagnosis and our worst fears were confirmed. It was a very dismal Fourth of July with the help of my bestie and family it was salvaged for a brief moment and then the month of July seems a blur, Nolan was miserable…blew up to a balloon... the first  two photos are from our first night in the hospital and the last was just 1 week later for an updated EEG.  It hurts my heart to see our boy so miserable and remember how difficult that time was for all of us.

But, it also reminds me how far Nolan has come, how strong he is and how much he is capable of.  Also all of the outpouring of love and support from so many of our friends and family during that time. Nolan took ACTH for 28 days, two injections daily given by us, honestly easier than I thought and I have earned an RN from that experience in case you are wondering!  Anyway, he began smiling, interacting, coming to LIFE in just two weeks!  

It truly was a miracle and through all of that so much peace, appreciation and gratitude was found.  I often talk to my friends and Jeremy and discuss how now my heart literally doesn't ache anymore, there aren't ANY moments that I see a boy Nolan's age and it sinks thinking what he "could" be.  It used to, not that long ago, I wondered if 20 years from now I would still be "stuck" in that world.  But, I wonder, without the tragedy of seizures would I still be "stuck" wishing for more?  I like to think that if he had developed with typical peers with Down Syndrome it would have been an easier journey, but perhaps not.  Perhaps I needed that tragic experience to realize, how grateful I am for just who Nolan is, JUST AS HE IS.  Not that I wish that or wanted that.  Don't get me wrong.  I still think about life and compare to his peers, but now, well it's different, it's "Oh that is what 16 month looks like for typical kids." And well that's about it.  Nolan isn't typical at all, he is spectacular!

 I love that he smiles and lights up your heart every day.  He is such a gentle, sweet soul and  that radiates through him.  I like that with every little milestone we celebrate it like a rock star.  And he just can't stop, he went from doing near nothing in August, to babbling, crawling, grabbing at toys, feeding himself, holding his bottle, giggling non-stop and crying when he's mad, yes we even are grateful for his new personality, even though he used to like to shop a lot more before he learned to crawl!  Amongst all of Nolan's accomplishments and growth this year, Graham started Kindergarten!  And Audrey began preschool!  

They seem so grown and old now....where does the time go?  Graham seems like a sassy teenager who likes to challenge our knowledge, for instance, Elfie brought him a penguin pillow pet, and he said, "why did Elfie bring me a penguin, that isn't Christmas?" I said, well don't penguins live in the North Pole with Santa? He said, "No, they live in the South Pole in Antarctica."  Yeah, he's learning a lot in Kindergarten!  Forget who's smarter than a 5th grader, I'm not smarter than my Kindergartner.  

Audrey, well she's still a shy, little girl who lets her sass shine to her brother the most.  She is loving school too and learning many new songs and improving her art skills!  Her Christmas program may just be the cutest thing EVER!  She practiced her songs day and night and was excited to show them off, a little case of stage fright led to more mumbling and shy smiles than anything else, perfect just the same. 

This year we learned that bouncing on air can break your leg.  

That your children can break your heart and fill it back up just as quickly.  

Family and friends are essential to survival.  

Relationships and love are the most valuable thing in life.  

Crawling like an inch worm is the cutest thing ever.  

And well, one more thing....

just when you think you have a handle on life and a plan for your future you get another curve ball....

We didn't plan to have another baby in 2012, but yep we are going to have one!  And sometimes the best gifts in life are surprises!  We know it's going to be tough having 4 kids 6 and under and well just as with everything else in life you just gotta go with it.  I can't wait to share it all FINALLY!  It's been a LONG 12 weeks to try to not give it away, morning sickness has been ALL day sickness!  

Here's to an amazingly adventurous, exciting, promising year 2012!  

We love you all!

Happy New Year!

Wrapping presents naked, why not?

I'm going to be a BIG brother!