hard reality

I wrote this October 2015. Never published it. Probably because I thought it was too negative. Well- the truth is never too much in my opinion. So here it is. 

I am in a deep mood, one of great contemplation and long term planning.  This mood usually leads to writing and alas here I am.  Jeremy got a promotion awhile ago, most people say, "great", "congrats", blah blah blah.  And inside I am screaming, "what?!" will this ever end.  After a long talk with my man this week, we determined it's not going to.  This ride he is on, this achievement and success, it's him, a part of him and removing him from it very difficult.  Don't get me wrong, we are blessed.  It is wonderful in all sorts of superficial ways.  What isn't is -I miss him.  Dearly.  Our family misses his jovial nature, his big hugs, sparkling smile, we miss him.  He used to travel 3-4 days a week when Graham was 2 and Audrey 1, it was brutal.  So hard to be alone all.day.long. and all.night.long.  I joined mommy groups and made connections in my reality and honestly we flourished in our new routine.  This recent reality isn't like that.  It's remding me what I lost.  A career.  An identity outside of being "mom".  And for well, the next 15 years it's on me.  My shoulders.  Jeremy listens and empathizes and says I am amazing and he is so lucky.  Everything you want to hear.  But, inside I am crumbling at the thought of this is my life.  Nothing outside of this.  I had so many aspirations.  So much drive and energy to accomplish things.  I think it struck me most when Graham saw a woman on the presidential debates and said, "women can't be president!"  And I said, "why?"  And he said, "Because they need to clean and take care of kids."  Wow.  Stunned.  I sat there thinking, that is how my kids know me, that is what they think of me, that is what they think of women.  Anyone who knows me knows that is the furthest thing from who I am.  I am so much more than that.  But, here I sat with my big eyed boy with all the truth serum of childhood in him and realized, that is what I am teaching him about women.  I know this all sounds obnoxiously priveledged and over dramatic and well, in some ways it is, but really life is interesting.  It seems we have visions no different than being a pro-baseball player when we are kids of what our lives will look like and how they actually come to fruition.  It's never really what we picture.  I get that.  I just didn't ever picture this either. 

being a mama

Disclaimer: I wrote this on May 12 2013 and never published it- no idea why- but here it is...yes always unedited and real. 

I remember back to when I laid looking up at my canopy on my little twin bed covered in glow in the dark stars and dreamt of it.  The moment I'd be a mama.  I was going to have Victoria Elizabeth and she was going to have long hair that I brushed every night while we talked.  I remember so vividly feeling that all I wanted in all of the world was to be a mom.  I had other dreams, to be a waitress, a lawyer, a teacher, own a business, help people.  But, honestly, being a mama, it was everything.  When I was a child I dreamt of being a grown-up.  It's all I wanted.  To be older, Jeremy I still laugh at the fact that I lied about my age all the time, not the way you think, I would say I was older, like let's say I was 22 and it was October, I'd say, I am almost 23, Ummm, yeah my birthday is in September!  I just wanted age, who knows why, maybe I felt like wisdom was a given at a certain age, that is definitely not the case!  I think one of the main reasons is I couldn't wait to be a mom.  I went the route of a career, went to graduate school, did all the over-achieving things one does to achieve goals in life.  I went down that path with every intention of being a working woman for many years.  I would bargain to say the majority of people in my life would have bet on it.  But, still, I could never think of a more important job in the world than raising babies.  Children for the future. 

Often times couples have many problems when they marry after they have children for many, they never thought about what the other would be like as a parent.  I can't say this.  One of the main reasons I broke up with a guy I dated prior to Jeremy was my concern for his fathering abilities.  I was 20.  Never too early!  And out of all that Jeremy lacked when we first dated as far as my checklist was concerned, he made up for in the way of being an amazing father to be.  How did I know?  Well, he was caring, deeply caring of others' feelings.  He was silly, funny, and didn't care who watched.  He worried little about others' judgments and more about the people he loved.  He loved his mama and family and knew how much they did for him.  Yep, that's about it.  I knew he was going to rock this dad thing and that right there tipped the scales.  It was the first major decision in being a mom. 

Being a mom is scary.  Like super scary- I mean- the whole they may die in my care at any moment and then they may grow up and hate me.  It doesn't seem to get easier, despite that intense desire I have.  According to others that have blazed this trail before me, it gets tougher and even scarier.  Because eventually, you won't have a say anymore in where they go or what they do.  Is that possible?  Do they know who their mom is????

I gave my parents a run for their money.  I pushed and prodded throughout my life.  I questioned every decision they made, begged for every rule to be broken, and some I just straight-up broke.  My mom and I don't have a fairytale relationship.  It's not what I dreamt of for us.  I am sure it's not what she dreamt of either.  And yet here we are- living a life that neither of us planned.  I have learned to find beauty in the unplanned portions of our lives.  And for all the choices my mom made that I lobbied against or cursed her for.  One thing you can't deny is I always wanted to be a mommy and something led me to that place.  When I shout to my kids, "no more electronics!" Jeremy looks at me like I just turned off the VHS player.  I am reminded of my mom.  When I say, "come on you guys no more sugar, you need to pick something healthy!"  I see her cooking up a storm.  When I tell creative, outlandish stories, like one this morning of a mom that turned into a kitty, don't ask, I am reminded of the world she gave me that was well beyond the tangibles of today.  That's the thing about being a mom, our actions, emotions, and I may not agree with the way my mom raised me in every way, but one thing I know for sure is she did her best.  We all do our best.  And I want nothing more than for our children to know that our dreams have come true and we really are doing our best to help theirs come true too.