hard reality

I wrote this October 2015. Never published it. Probably because I thought it was too negative. Well- the truth is never too much in my opinion. So here it is. 

I am in a deep mood, one of great contemplation and long term planning.  This mood usually leads to writing and alas here I am.  Jeremy got a promotion awhile ago, most people say, "great", "congrats", blah blah blah.  And inside I am screaming, "what?!" will this ever end.  After a long talk with my man this week, we determined it's not going to.  This ride he is on, this achievement and success, it's him, a part of him and removing him from it very difficult.  Don't get me wrong, we are blessed.  It is wonderful in all sorts of superficial ways.  What isn't is -I miss him.  Dearly.  Our family misses his jovial nature, his big hugs, sparkling smile, we miss him.  He used to travel 3-4 days a week when Graham was 2 and Audrey 1, it was brutal.  So hard to be alone all.day.long. and all.night.long.  I joined mommy groups and made connections in my reality and honestly we flourished in our new routine.  This recent reality isn't like that.  It's remding me what I lost.  A career.  An identity outside of being "mom".  And for well, the next 15 years it's on me.  My shoulders.  Jeremy listens and empathizes and says I am amazing and he is so lucky.  Everything you want to hear.  But, inside I am crumbling at the thought of this is my life.  Nothing outside of this.  I had so many aspirations.  So much drive and energy to accomplish things.  I think it struck me most when Graham saw a woman on the presidential debates and said, "women can't be president!"  And I said, "why?"  And he said, "Because they need to clean and take care of kids."  Wow.  Stunned.  I sat there thinking, that is how my kids know me, that is what they think of me, that is what they think of women.  Anyone who knows me knows that is the furthest thing from who I am.  I am so much more than that.  But, here I sat with my big eyed boy with all the truth serum of childhood in him and realized, that is what I am teaching him about women.  I know this all sounds obnoxiously priveledged and over dramatic and well, in some ways it is, but really life is interesting.  It seems we have visions no different than being a pro-baseball player when we are kids of what our lives will look like and how they actually come to fruition.  It's never really what we picture.  I get that.  I just didn't ever picture this either. 

being a mama

Disclaimer: I wrote this on May 12 2013 and never published it- no idea why- but here it is...yes always unedited and real. 

I remember back to when I laid looking up at my canopy on my little twin bed covered in glow in the dark stars and dreamt of it.  The moment I'd be a mama.  I was going to have Victoria Elizabeth and she was going to have long hair that I brushed every night while we talked.  I remember so vividly feeling that all I wanted in all of the world was to be a mom.  I had other dreams, to be a waitress, a lawyer, a teacher, own a business, help people.  But, honestly, being a mama, it was everything.  When I was a child I dreamt of being a grown-up.  It's all I wanted.  To be older, Jeremy I still laugh at the fact that I lied about my age all the time, not the way you think, I would say I was older, like let's say I was 22 and it was October, I'd say, I am almost 23, Ummm, yeah my birthday is in September!  I just wanted age, who knows why, maybe I felt like wisdom was a given at a certain age, that is definitely not the case!  I think one of the main reasons is I couldn't wait to be a mom.  I went the route of a career, went to graduate school, did all the over-achieving things one does to achieve goals in life.  I went down that path with every intention of being a working woman for many years.  I would bargain to say the majority of people in my life would have bet on it.  But, still, I could never think of a more important job in the world than raising babies.  Children for the future. 

Often times couples have many problems when they marry after they have children for many, they never thought about what the other would be like as a parent.  I can't say this.  One of the main reasons I broke up with a guy I dated prior to Jeremy was my concern for his fathering abilities.  I was 20.  Never too early!  And out of all that Jeremy lacked when we first dated as far as my checklist was concerned, he made up for in the way of being an amazing father to be.  How did I know?  Well, he was caring, deeply caring of others' feelings.  He was silly, funny, and didn't care who watched.  He worried little about others' judgments and more about the people he loved.  He loved his mama and family and knew how much they did for him.  Yep, that's about it.  I knew he was going to rock this dad thing and that right there tipped the scales.  It was the first major decision in being a mom. 

Being a mom is scary.  Like super scary- I mean- the whole they may die in my care at any moment and then they may grow up and hate me.  It doesn't seem to get easier, despite that intense desire I have.  According to others that have blazed this trail before me, it gets tougher and even scarier.  Because eventually, you won't have a say anymore in where they go or what they do.  Is that possible?  Do they know who their mom is????

I gave my parents a run for their money.  I pushed and prodded throughout my life.  I questioned every decision they made, begged for every rule to be broken, and some I just straight-up broke.  My mom and I don't have a fairytale relationship.  It's not what I dreamt of for us.  I am sure it's not what she dreamt of either.  And yet here we are- living a life that neither of us planned.  I have learned to find beauty in the unplanned portions of our lives.  And for all the choices my mom made that I lobbied against or cursed her for.  One thing you can't deny is I always wanted to be a mommy and something led me to that place.  When I shout to my kids, "no more electronics!" Jeremy looks at me like I just turned off the VHS player.  I am reminded of my mom.  When I say, "come on you guys no more sugar, you need to pick something healthy!"  I see her cooking up a storm.  When I tell creative, outlandish stories, like one this morning of a mom that turned into a kitty, don't ask, I am reminded of the world she gave me that was well beyond the tangibles of today.  That's the thing about being a mom, our actions, emotions, and I may not agree with the way my mom raised me in every way, but one thing I know for sure is she did her best.  We all do our best.  And I want nothing more than for our children to know that our dreams have come true and we really are doing our best to help theirs come true too. 

the end

Its raining and I sit here in my new apartment.  I know, an apartment? What? Well, as you know in life things aren't always as they seem.  Jeremy and I have been crumbling for 3 years now.  I am sure the patterns of abuse, verbal, emotional by both of us, started laying their roots many years before that.  However, now those roots are a full grown tree that seems to be sucking the oxygen out of everything around it.  I have no idea how we got here.  Actually I have a pretty good idea, quiet a few of them.  We both came from broken homes, where our hearts were shattered, thru divorce, parents that weren't present and loss.  Lots of people have numerous things like this happen to them, but for us, it was the normal in our lives more than the exception.  The pain from that past manifested in behaviors that both of us couldn't manage.  I would cry, whine, scream about pretty much anything and had unrealistic expectations.  He on the other hand would take his out with drinking, doing anything to escape his pain and ultimately when I took all of those things away due to my needs and requirements for him to be better- his anger would surface and almost all of it at me.

I was vulnerable to him and his love.  I wanted and needed it, so I took it, saw him as broken like me, empathized and thought of him as a young boy, I just couldn't except that this man in front of me, that  loved and adored me, that worked years to earn my love would do anything but love me back.  But he did.  He eventually tried so hard for over a decade to please me, meet any and all of my expectations, a pattern he began as a middle child.  He was the peace maker, the one that was more stable than the rest, not that that was saying much.  He was always trying to be a people pleaser when we met, say and do the right thing to avoid conflict and gain peace.  I didn't know that was hiding a dark, deep boy that wanted to be seen and heard and eventually when his own father disowned him decided he was done.  Done being the yes man.  Done being the man that did what everyone wanted and said what everyone needed.  I was shocked.  I wasn't used to it, didn't know what to think, was very bothered.  Couple that with his new career and my new undertaking of a stay-at-home mom; and it wasn't good.

He traveled, worked day in and day out, trying to win my approval, the only person he really ever devoted his life too.  He is not one to connect, be vulnerable, tell you a deep secret, but with me, he did.  Always.  We both knew that.  I needed to grow and not depend on him, as he was gone so much and I was struggling greatly with my new role and lack of ego filling opportunities.  I branched out, made amazing connections with strong, fun women, mom's.  Meanwhile, he was diving more into work.  We had beautiful children.  Once Nolan came we were stunned, but we did well, we worked thru down syndrome and seizures and everything else life threw our direction.  We have always been a force.  Strong, intelligent and charismatic as a couple.  Then EJ came.

This is when this post goes from truth to brutal honesty.  Some may judge this and I guess I don't blame you, how can I? I judge leaves on a tree!  But, really, having a second child with special needs, it just broke us to a level that now I see is irreparable.  I wish I could say we are a couple that withstood the 75% of couples that get divorced with children with special needs.  We are not.  I often wonder, I know it's not healthy, but true, would we be here if EJ weren't?  It hurts my heart physically to type that.  If you know me, you know my love for each of my children is endless and all consuming.  It's not something I can separate from me as a person.  But, still, I wonder.  Then I stop and think, does it matter? It won't change the reality.  The reality is we are broken and we aren't getting fixed.  Our hearts and the pain of this divorce and the impact on our family will never be solved.

As a type A problem solver and solution lover, I am devastated.  For the loss of my marriage, my family, my dreams, and for the simple, plain fact. I failed.  I couldn't fix this.  I tried my damnedest.  I have no regrets.  I needed to know that when I made this decision and moved forward with the divorce,  I needed to know that 3 years ago, I spoke with my best friend and my aunt about my marriage and that I wanted out.  My aunt said, please wait 3 years Grace, from this day, it was May 1, 2013.  I worked, I whined, I bitched, I moaned, I poured my soul and heart into my marriage and I poured venom and anger into it as well.  I wasn't perfect.  But I waited and tried.  That's all I could do.  With every step, every decision, we got further apart.  I could see it crumbling, begged for therapy with him, begged him to quit his job and be with us more, tried everything I knew how, and in the end, it didn't work.  We didn't work.  Fuck.  It sucks.  Nothing eloquent or amazing to say about that.  It's not all him.  It's not all me.  We both made monumental relationship errors.  We both think we are right 99% of the time.  It's not a recipe for a copacetic marriage.  We both are stubborn, opinionated, and strong.  We both haven't seen or shown the best in each other in years.

Lately I have been wrapping my brain around how this could possibly ever end up as a positive.  Or at least one positive thing to come out of it, will I be happy ever again?  Will the damage I cause my children forever haunt their lives and ruin any amount of love and energy I have put into them?

Every. Single. Person. we have told is stunned.  We hear often, "but you guys are the BEST couple!"  and many more compliments.  I mean, the woman who cleans my house literally cried, saying we were great together.  It was shocking to our families.  Honestly, it's shocking to us.  Apparently we are good actors?  Or we are that amazing, but just not quite amazing enough?  I am not sure.  I know that I needed to write all of this.  To tell the truth.  Not the nitty gritty details, but the fact that a couple can have money, beautiful children, supportive families and be crumbling and struggling every single day.  Life isn't a fairytale.  It's hard work, that sometimes doesn't end with a reward, a ribbon, a smile.  Sometimes it ends in tears and heartache.  That's where this is today.

I wrote this 8 months ago....I decided today was the day to publish it, I was going to make it prettier, put a little make up on it and then said, screw that, this is my life....a lot has changed in the last 8 months, but our divorce is final and we are moving on separately and I just need to rip this bandaid off.